Allergic to Chairs

Matty just walked into the kitchen to announce that he is allergic to chairs. He has renounced all chairs and proclaims that he will never sit in another chair again.

Good luck with that Matty Goober....

I give him an hour until he caves. ;0)

I Survived!!

The weekend is here and I survived my week of craptasticness.

Despite oftentimes feeling like I had children literally coming out of my ears and needing to live off of coffee with a side of crushed chill pills, it wasn't quite as horrific as I thought it would be.... besides the fact Kevin's breath now smells like a squirrel crawled in his mouth and died.

I never did make it to the DMV this week though. I just couldn't bring myself to go through such torture with so many kids in tow. The DMV will hopefully still be standing next week when I only have two kids to tote along with me. Fingers crossed it doesn't burn to the ground over the weekend as some cosmically cruel joke on me.

To celebrate my survival and to kick off the weekend with a bang I am going to share something that cracked me up today in a sick/ perverse sort of way.

Craptacular...

Kevin got his wisdom teeth pulled yesterday.

Quite honestly it started the entire day off on the wrong foot into a big pile of dog shite. He kept saying he could drive himself in as long as I picked him up. But at the last moment he changed his mind so I had to load Matthew and Phoebe into the car straight from their cozy beds.

We get there and he now insists we go inside with him to ask exactly when we need to be back to sit with him. So we all troop in... the kids barefoot and in jammies while I myself am sporting a fabulous fro of bird's nest hair, no make-up and very unbecoming sweats. I can only imagine how horrendously white trash we must have looked to everyone.

The receptionist tells me that I need to be back in 45 minutes to sit with him in his recovery room. Oh joy... One small recovery room + two young kids= Hell.

Matty is whining to eat. I know Phoebe must be hungry as well so I run through the McDonald's drive through and get them some pancakes and oj. We run back to the house and I hurriedly throw real clothes and shoes on all of us. We now look less like white trash and more like a tribe of unkempt Gypsy ragamuffins.

We're already running about ten minutes late so I'm in a rush to get back to Kevin in time. I'm coasting down a hill about two blocks from the office, when a cop literally jumps right in front of me with his radar gun waving me to the side of the road.



Shite. Shite. Double shite. I pull over the side of the road and start trying to explain about being late to be with Kevin. The cop listens but then asks me a slew of other random questions about my address, any prior run ins with the law etc. He looked at me expectantly like I should be confessing to having a trunk of cocaine or something. I tell him my driving record is spotless besides a few random registration misunderstandings over the years my DMV account should be clear.



He checks it out and seems almost regretful that I do in fact appear to be a generally good driver. I think the wild Gypsy ragamuffin woman look I was sporting really threw him for a loop. He then goes on to lecture me for the next twenty minutes about my irresponsibility and that as a mother I should hold myself to a higher driving standard of safety. Blah blah blah. If he hadn't have been hiding shadily behind a big truck on a very steep hill where everyone involuntarily speeds up a bit everything would have been fine.

I start crying because I just want to get to Kevin. My cell phone is buzzing violently in my pocket as the receptionist leaves her fourth snooty message about how I'm incredibly late and I catch a whiff of Phoebe's diarrhea poopy diaper. All while Matty is peppering me with questions about whether I am a good driver or a bad driver.



The prick finally lets me go after issuing a court appearance ticket and I carefully drive the next two blocks and practically sprint into the Dentist office. The receptionist sneers and Kevin gives me a WTF look which makes me break down in tears again. I continue to blubber through the nurse's instructions to care for Kevin. I'm pretty sure they thought I was insane. I saw them exchanging wary looks with each other that roughly translated into "This biznitch is crazy!! I feel so bad for her cute ragamuffin kids and her poor sweet husband..."

The rest of the day was lost in a haze of whiny kids, bloody gauze, Phoebe's diarrhea and her bloody diaper rash from sitting in that dirty diaper while the dang cop lectured me.

The craptacular tales of my life...

It's going to be a long sucky week......

Yesterday my Aunt had some serious heart issues and was admitted to the hospital. Her heart actually stopped beating and they had to shock her back. They don't think it was a heart attack but they don't seem to know exactly what it was. She was in ICU all night but has now been moved to a regular room because she's much more stable. They are going to run some more tests and if she continues to get better they'll be releasing her in the next day or two. Obviously it's very upsetting to all of us.

With my Aunt out of comission for awhile, I'm now picking up the childcare slack for my cousin who is currently taking college courses and is trying to balance caring for her Mother as well. Obviously my cousin wants to spend time in the hospital with her Mom and talking to Doctors but at the same time she's obliged to be studying and attending school MWF from 10 am- 2 pm.

I have Niecey and Brazen on Thursday.

School commitments to Elijah's class on Friday.

I have to deal with a DMV issue about renewing my license and some bogus hold they tried to put on my Drivers license. So lucky me will have to troop in there with four- five kids while I try to straighten this crapola out.

Kevin's insurance is "urgently" demanding Phoebe's birth certificate and I can't seem to find hers so I need to take a car full of kids on an hour and a half round trip to request another birth certificate from the office of records. That's going to be a fun trip.

To top it all off- Kevin is scheduled to get his wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow morning. His x-rays show that he actually has five wisdom teeth. Yep, I married a freak.

He was in a lot of pain because of the extra fifth wisdom tooth. I feel bad because I called him a baby for being whiny about how much his mouth was hurting him last week. The Dentist has told him to schedule the rest of the week in bed. Yeah.... like that's what I need. A house full of kids and a husband lounging in bed while he whines for ice cream or jello.

Someone get me a stiff drink and pass the valium. I'm in for a bumpy ride.

The Zoo...

So yesterday, after I was finally able break up the "Nakey Contest" and I managed to wrangle all three kids in to clothes, we took off for the zoo.

Between the arguing about who's turn it was to ride in the double stroller and the incessant request for popcorn, we actually had a really great time - just me and the kids.

To watch Phoebe running around crazy and trying to tackle a goat in the petting zoo watch this one-



To see the boys wishing I would stop asking them questions and get the camera out of their faces, watch this one-




I also have a funny clip in which Phoebe is riding a baby tractor and Matty proclaims that he is frightened of the barn and that a sheep tried to chase him and bite him. ( Which for the record was not true. He approached it, it snorted and trotted away.)Unfortunately Photobucket is rejecting that particular clip for some bizarre reason. Damn photobucket people.

Totally Random...

But for some reason this really tickled my funny bone tonight..... Maybe I'm just super tired... but the idea of a naked orange and banana getting it on is cracking me up right now. Not to mention I've always love this song. ;0)

Nakey Contest!!!!

I heard the boys getting wild in Matty's room.... and the door was suspiciously closed. I open the door to see Matty and Elijah had stripped down naked and are jumping on the bed. When Matty sees me he screeches out- "Look Mommy!!!! It's a NAKEY CONTEST!!!!"



I have a feeling this is going to be a long day......

Mr. Crabsy meets His Doom

Dear Mr. Crabsy,

There is no denying we had our differences. I remember when Kevin brought you home for Matty and I demanded you be gotten rid of. I cringed at the very sight of you. Tony said that he had never seen me so angry in the entire time he's known me. It's not a secret that I only relented for Matty's sake.

But I never wanted things to end this way. I never wanted to be even partially responsible for your death. I mean- sure I didn't clean your tank as often as I probably should have.... but I fed you every day. And honestly, I started to grow the tiniest bit fond of you just in time for you to die. At the very least you were entertaining to watch jumping around the tank. I couldn't but help admire your speed and balance as you teetered on Elmo's nose or tried to float around on the bubbles from the filter.


When I cleaned the tank this last time around I filled it to the tippy top just to give you more space to move around. I never dreamed you would have managed to climb out of the tank in the middle of the night. I truly do feel bad that you must have wandered around on the countertop, slowly drying up. Even sadder is the way you eventually fell onto one of the counter chairs to die while we were sleeping peacefully.

The boys will miss you..... and I must admit that the tank looks awfully empty without you.

In your honor,-I promise, no matter how hard Matty begs to replace you with a piranaha fish, I will firmly stick with my original "No".

Raise Your Hand if....

Your fence estimator repariman guy saw you naked today!!!!

What- Only me????!!!!

We've been having a hell of a storm around here over the weekend. Buckets of rain that just won't let up that is flooding the streets and crazy insane winds. Everything in our backyard was pretty much thrown to the other end of the yard and random stuff has been blown up and down the street.There has been several severe weather advisories and we've been stuck inside almost all weekend.

So part of our back fence came down and we called a fence guy to take a look and give us an estimate on what it would cost to replace that section of the fence. He agreed to come out today at 11:30 am.

Imagine my surprise when I hear a knock on the door this morning at 8 am in the middle of my shower.

I jump out of the shower only to discover Phoebe had made off with my towel so I decided to just make a naked dash down the hall to look through the eye peep and call out that I'm dressing and will open the door in a moment.

I peer out the eyehole but see no one there. Hmmmm....

Then, I see some movement out of the corner of my left eye.

To my horror the fence guy has let himself in through the side gate into the backyard. He is now standing at the sliding glass doors peering in to see if anyone is actually home..... but what he sees is a whole lot more than he probably bargained for.

I dived down onto the ground using the couch as my shield ( with ninja like reflexes I might add ) . I then try to combat crawl through the hallway towards my room/my dresser knowing that if I stand up he'll still totally be able to see me in my full glory from the back door.

(In retrospect it would have been smarter to use a couch cushion to shield me than to wiggle up the hall like a pudgy caterpiller. Damn me for not thinking of it in the moment.)

I throw on some jeans and a t-shirt. I then leave a note on the front and back door telling him to leave his estimation in the mailbox. Then I hid out in the back room shushing the children until I knew for sure he was gone. I just couldn't face him after he had seen me naked and possibly crawling down the hall naked in an unladylike manner. Too weird.

After he was gone and I had looked at his ridiculous over estimation price to fix the fence I then rolled up my sleeves put on my galoshes and hammered that damn fence back together in a way that would make McGuyver green with envy over my skill.

No way in hell we're hiring him to ever come back. Seriously- who just let's themselves in a side gate??? He would have to reach his arm around the back gate to finagle the lock open. Granted it wasn't smart of me to go to the front door naked but still really creepy he was peering in the back door like that.

Yeah... I'm an idiot.... a flashing handymen sort of idiot.

Curse You Valentines......

I am sitting here on a drearful rainy day...... Wondering why the hell I'm the only person working on Matty and Phoebe's valentines.

I collected a large portion of fingerpaintings they have done throughout the last couple months and I cut them all into hearts (unpurposely lopsided BTW) with the plan to use them as materials to make Valentines for the small Valentine's party we're holding for all Matty's little cousins tomorrow.

Somehow I seem to be the only person smooshing these things together. Matty comes up about every ten minutes to very carefully and purposely place a sticker or two and then he marches back off to play Kung Fu with Elijah.

This is not exactly what I had in mind when I decided the kids and I should undertake making these damn things....

Matty and his Imagination Mouse

Yesterday I caught Matty hiding his cheese from lunch.



A big arse piece behind the bedroom door. A few smaller pieces under the bed. A couple scraps under the dresser. Most bizarrely of all, some cheese stashed in Kevin's good dress shoes. ( Don't tell Kevin)

When I asked him what in the world he thought he was doing he told me he was trying to get a mouse to come into our house to live just like the Imagination Movers have a mouse.

I told Matty it wasn't a good idea to TRY to get a mouse in the house. But he didn't quite get why it wouldn't be a good idea. His exact words were-"But Mommy, I'll catch him and make him my friend. We'll play together and he'll sing me songs and eat all our cheese!!!!"

So in other words his plan is so perfect that he will not be deterred. Never mind that mice don't actually sing or do any of the super interesting things he is counting on.

I'm on the look out for hidden scraps of food from here on out.

Sidenote : Most likely you have no clue who the Imagination Movers are but you probably have seen them at some point if you ever tune into the Disney Channel. Just to jog your memories-

Phoebe's first genius Compostion.... ;0)

mhhu6y5errrrrrffffewezwqrss11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111uv r6sxxcdf zX Xsdtg4eew zaa

Swimming Class

Matty has leaped into his Saturday swimming classes with a wild glee. He splashes and arks like a seal like a champ. I think he's hilarious. The other parents probably don't find him quite so funny.... especially when he inadvertently splashes them.

So during yesterday's swimming class he takes it upon himself to very loudly declare, " Mommy, you have nipples on your nummies!!! Let's tickle the nipples!!!!"

Crazy loud. Crazy embarrassing. Especially since his joyful declarations seemed to really travel well across the water. People stared. Matty giggled. I admonished Matty in a hushed voice and swore to him that Daddy was taking him swimming next week.

Whoot Whoot!!!!!

I got to see Dermot, Aidan and Deirdre today!!!! I was so flipping excited to have all my favorite kiddos in one place!!!!

Dermot is 13, Aidan is 11 and Deirdre is 9 1/2. I could hardly believe they have grown up so much. I felt so old seeing them so grown up. When I started as their nanny Dermot had just turned four. Aidan had just turned 2 and Deirdre was about 6 months old.

They are getting so big. Dermot is built like a football player. Aidan is as tall as Dermot. Deirdre is so darling. I just adore them. I'm going to be start going to some of Dermot's football games and Deirdre is actually in a soccer team that plays in our town frequently.

We laughed and talked about old memories. It was just like old times. Dermot even ratted out Aidan for having a "girlfriend" he holds hands with after school. :-O

It was just so great to see them. Matty and Elijah just adored them. Matty has declared that his favorite was Dermot. Deirdre was practically Phoebe's shadow. It was an awesome afternoon.

Color Me Ginger

So a couple weeks ago, I was out with the kids and I happened to pass by a mirror in the sunlight and was shocked to see a several threads of gray in my hair.

At home or in the shade it always looked like a few random blond threads and I never gave it any thought. But out in the sun it is unmistakably gray. I'm twenty five and going really quite gray. Shite.

With the gray weighing on my mind I had the brilliant thought that when we went to Target in the afternoon that I would shake things up and pick up a bottle of hair dye.What better way to pick yourself up than to reinvent your look a wee bit?

I grabbed a box of hair dye and according to it's result window I should have come out with a dark brown with a few reddish highlights. Not too drastic from what I have now... just a couple shades different.

So I dyed my hair and it came out red. Really red. Not even like a nicer Addison Shepperd from Grey's Anatomy red.

Closer to the whorish shade of red that Lacey from the Rock of Love sports.

Dh tried to comfort me and told me he thinks I'm pretty no matter what. Tony suggested I paint freckles on so my transformation to a Ginger is complete.

At first I was pretty disturbed and felt like people everywhere were staring. I took the kids for a walk on the beach and the sun made my hair insanely bright. It was nuts.

Now, couple weeks later, it has faded into the reddish brown it was supposed to be.

Nice to not look quite so conspicous anymore....
but strangely I'm starting to miss the bright
red hair. I'm not planning on dying it bright
red again anytime soon but it was fun.

Phoebe My Love, My Devil Child

Feast your eyes on what my dearest little Phoebe bird accomplished while I was in the shower yesterday-

I'm not even sure how she managed to drag the can of touch up paint from her room to the hallway. And I'm stunned she could get the lid off considering I had hammered it back on pretty good. I did figure out that she must have thrown herself against her bedroom a few times to jar the lock well enough to open the door. It isn't the best closure thingy.

She accomplished this in fifteen minutes. I'm suspecting she had plans drawn up before I even went into the bathroom. How the hell does a one year old manage to open a bedroom door, drag a paint can off of a high desk into the hallway and pry it open that quickly?

I came out of the bathroom and she was stomping and splashing in it like a puddle. When she saw me she took off running. All the way down the hall, across our new area rug, stepping on her rocking horse and trying to climb the couch by the time I nabbed her. Little paint footprints EVERYWHERE. It took me forever to clean it all. I shampooed the new carpet and scrubbed all the floors. Not to mention scrubbing down a green paint covered Phoebe.

If she wasn't so cute while being so naughty I'd sell her to the circus in a heartbeat so she could pursue her obvious talent of an escape artiste/ daredevil/ clown.