Elijah Doodle and the Police

A lot of people might not think this is as hilarious as we did but here it goes.... On Sunday I had to call the police on Desi, Elijah's mom. Elijah stayed at my Mom's house Saturday night for some special Grandma time and my Mom ends up calling me around ten that morning to tell me Desi was there and she was refusing to leave and was upsetting Elijah. My Mom's phone wouldn't connect to the Police department for some reason so she needed me to call the police.

So I call the police and explain the situation, then I hop in my car to head around the block to swoop up Elijah. I expected to nab Elijah before the police arrived on scene but they must not have had anything better to do because two squad cars turned the corner right as I set my car in park.

I dart in to grab Elijah and he's crazy enamored with the idea of the police officers coming and doesn't want to leave. He's excited and waiting for them to knock on the door and tells me they're going to let him see their badges. I leave with him anyways despite Desi's pleas to stay and he doesn't see anything besides the police cars waiting down the street.

The police ended up politely escorting Desi back to her house and tell her not to return for the rest of the day. We had explained to Elijah they were just going to give her a ride home.

Desi called about 45 minutes later because she always calls a lot and leaves lots of messages when she's sick. I didn't hear the phone ring but the answering machine went off and Elijah was there. Elijah got all super excited and started cackling with delight at the machine- "Mommy!!!! Did you ride with the police??!!! Did you see their badges??!!! Are you in jail???!!! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!"


It was hilarious. I was so worried about my little Doodle being affected by all this and here he is, delighted at the prospect of Mommy getting a fun ride in the police car. ;0)

Sanity or Bust....

Thanksgiving has drawn to a close...... I wasn't arrested for biznitch slapping anyone and no one was carted away to the local mental institution so I'm calling it a good day.

I actually had a lovely morning cooking pies with the boys and baking a ham. Desi called a billion times and left long rambling messages on our machine but we remedied that by simply not answering the phone. Kevin did simply disconnect her a few times just because he was tired of listening to her though. ;0)



We arrived to my Mom's house to Desi bouncing around, clapping her hands and squealing like a pig. Fun stuff right off the bat. She's really big on hugging when she's sick so I gave her a hug but then I had to watch her like a hawk because she gets too pushy about getting hugs from the kids. I don't want to her scare them.

So she was acting bizarre.... but manageable.... at first.

My step-grandma Susan just came back from a missions trip to Moldavia and brought two interesting lifelike wooden snakes that sway back and forth for the boys. The boys were stoked. I run back to our house for five minutes or so to grab some serving spoons only to return to two crying boys. Apparently Desi felt that the snakes were tempting her by giving her lustful thoughts so she stole them from the boys and hid them somewhere in the house.



After Kevin and I calmed the boys down then Desi came up behind Kevin and started stroking his back and pestering him for a hug. I actually have a very firm no-hug policy when it comes to Kevin and she is completely aware of it. She has made lots of comments in the past about feeling aroused and having lustful thoughts about all men- including Kevin. So because of this and some of her past behavior of attempting to rub his thighs or hugging and not letting go she is not allowed to hug him anymore. It makes him really uncomfortable and I'm not going to allow her to molest my husband because of her nutty desires.



Yes she is sick but she actually has her wits about her more than some people might think. She purposely does stuff to push other peoples buttons. Last night was the perfect example of that in almost everything she did. Some people might wonder why Kevin wouldn't just give her a small hug but the problem with Desi is that if you give her an inch she takes a mile. That's how she is when she's sick. She feels like it's a victory to get a small hug so then she keeps going in for bigger hugs then kisses then groping etc. She refuses to respect any boundaries.

Kevin had to ask her to get off of him at least four times and she still wouldn't stop grabbing him so I had to jump in and tell her in no uncertain terms to unhand my husband and that her behavior was out of hand. When she still wouldn't leave Kevin alone and I was ready to haul her off for a beeotch slapping she'd never forget, my Mom kicked her out of Thanksgiving for the first time.



Around desert time her husband called saying that she was promising to behave so we relented and allowed her to come back. Five minutes after entering through the door she came in making a big fuss about getting more hugs from my younger sister Shannon and getting a hug from Shannon's boyfriend as well.

That disturbance in itself wouldn't have been such a huge deal if we weren't listening to Susan play the guitar for the kids. Susan was playing several songs she wrote in Moldavia. Super cute songs where the kids were dancing and calling out the names of animals for her to incorporate into her songs. Then there is Desi standing in the middle of it all trying to cause a scene.


We finally get Desi to sit down next to my Aunt Tonya... then she starts calling things out about the songs and generally being disruptive. "What is holiness?" "What is peace?" "What is family?" Etc.

Susan was singing a sweet song about her little kitty Bella Donna and Desi jumps in saying the song was sexual because kitty= pussy= lady bits. Things only went downhill from there.



I veered the children towards the playroom to escape for a little bit, but could still her proclaiming the virtues and holiness of sex. She went on to announce that nothing is wrong with sex because it can be holy if you sing the hymn- "Nothing but the Blood of Jesus" while you're canoodling. Apparently you sing that song and you're good in terms of sexual sin. Who knew? All this time I wasted actually enjoying sex with my husband while instead I should have been singing away my sins during the process.

At this point my Mom pretty much reaches her breaking point and asks Desi's husband to take her away again. She accuses Billy, Desi's husband of teaching her foul sexual terms. To which he shoots back that she knew those sorts of things long before him.

As Billy is ushering Desi out the door she is dragging her heels and calling out to Kevin and my brother Dana to extol them to make sex holy and pure by singing "Nothing but the Blood". Fun times people.... Fun times.


It could have been worse.... In fact both my brother and Kevin agreed that our worst Thanksgiving was a couple years back. It's probably hard to imagine that it could be much worse..... but it's true.

The one thing that can be said for my family is we're never boring. ;0)

The Crazy is out and running wild.... Just in time to kick off the holidays

Desi is crazy yet once again. I'm so frigging sick of this. It's happening more and more frequently and we can't seem to keep it controlled at all anymore. I thought that since she had a breakdown towards the end of October that it would leave us in the clear until at least December but it looks like that's not happening.

Yesterday she went into full blown crazy mode. My mom was adding a couple items to her Thanksgiving shopping list and only had a red pen on her at the time so the last four or five items added on as an afterthought were in red instead of blue. Desi declared that God was trying to tell my Mom that she shouldn't buy the things in red. I can only assume God holds some sort of a grudge against oatmeal for some reason....



Then she declared that my Mom was demon possessed. With all that nightly tv watching and cooking rather than quoting scripture all the live long day... It's obvious that it's the devil at work here. How could us silly sane people all be so blind to assume that Mom is simply a lady trying to wind down after a hectic day at work when it was obviously all Satanic in purpose??

She then went on to declare my younger sister Shannon to be demon possessed as well as herself.......... My Goodness- I had no idea demon possession was more catching than the flu!!! Thank heavens we have have Desi to enlighten us to the peril of everyones souls. I hope my demon gets to be a skinny arse biznitch who likes to exercise like crazy. That would be awesome.



Elijah was supposed to spend some quality time with Shannon today but Desi and Billy swooped in over at my Mom's house. Desi freaked him out and Billy was an idiot and acted mean. So Elijah came right back here to me. I feel like I can't leave him out of my sight for a second when Desi's sick.

I dropped by my Mom's house to scoop up a jello mold for tomorrow and I walked in on Desi lecturing my Mom that Shannon shouldn't be dating her current boyfriend because he's had sex with other women so therefore is already a married man. Going off of the theory that men can have concubines and many wives of course...... Not sure if she was insinuating Shannon was his concubine or 100th wife though.... We'll have to see how that all plays out tomorrow. Can't wait for that fun to come about.

Seriously though- we're in for a long day tomorrow. I'd be tempted to blow it all off if I didn't know that we would be leaving my Mom to fend for herself on a very depressing sort of Thanksgiving. Although when I think about it, Desi is actually crazy for most holidays so I don't know why we had such high hopes for a sane Thanksgiving.

Keep tuned....... If Desi starts inappropriately rubbing Kevin's thighs again or strips down naked yet once again you better believe I'll be compelled to write about it here. ;0)