I'm such a scrooge

Thank goodness that Christmas is over.... I don't have enough stamina and strength to go through it again. I can't quite explain it. It was just very emotionally wearing. I can't even put my finger on it.... It was just unfufilling and left me feeling sad.

Thank heavens I have Kevin and Matty. If it weren't for their funny antics Christmas would have been a complete wash. They truly are like a ray of sunshine on a stormy day.

The luckiest girl in the world!!!

Today is one of those days when I am especially and madly in love in my hubby. He is just the greatest and I want to sing it from the rooftops!!!

I had a bad night with Matty last night and so this morning Kevin got up with Matty to let me sleep in for a couple hours. He gave Matty a bath and got him dressed for the day. He even made Matty breakfast!

Then he took Matty out for the afternoon so that I could go out to lunch with my Mom.
( without Matty in tow like I normally do...) Then he even put him down for his afternoon nap! When I came home we were able to spend time cuddled on the couch watching a movie together while Matty slept...

Kevin is turning into SUPER DAD!!!! He is such an incredible Dad and such a great guy. He's a fantastic husband and I just adore him. On days like these it is hard to believe that I'm not just dreaming!

I just love him so much. My little family is just so great. I am so proud of Matty and Kevin. I love being a wife and a Mom.... I wouldn't trade places with anyone in the world! I am the luckiest girl in the world and I love my life!!!!

'Tis the time for a Holiday Miracle!

I've been really feeling kind of pressed and distressed at the prospect of Christmas this year. Last year was a big stretch on the money front and I really didn't want to face the New Year with bills overdue because of all of the gift giving madness!

I've been feeling pretty stressed by it all and Kevin and I had already agreed to just kind of gloss over Christmas presents for eachother as long as all of presents for family/friends were taken care of and Matty's needs were met. I was feeling so down in the dumps about always having to focus on the more practical things that we need rather than things that we may want....

I was getting very discouraged. But, I decided to try to count my blessings ... and then I prayed and gave it all up to God. My frustrations and our finances..... Then today when we came home from church there was a letter addressed to me that had somehow been overlooked. It was a refund check from my school because I had apparently overpaid for this semester!!!! It was such a random blessing!!!!!!

I am so amazed. I prayed and my prayer was answered. This check could have come a month from now... or it could even have been overlooked as a computer glitch or something. God is so good! I gave it up to God and He gave me my very own little Christmas miracle! That may sound cheesy.... but I am just so grateful that God has provided for us. Christmas is going to be entirely taken care of and we're going to be able to enter the new year with a little bit of money put away in the bank!!!! Praise God!!!

The Kujo Cat From Hell

I was leaving for school today when suddenly a cat was struck right outside of our house. Three people were clustered around the cat and he was clearly unconscious.... or dead.

They weren't exactly in my way to get out of driveway... but I didn't want to seem callous by just hopping in my car and revving up the engine as I drove away. Instead I just got into my car to wait for some sort of resolution or for the owner show up and make a decision about what was their next step.

One well intentioned woman was instructing her husband to block all traffic on the street. Suddenly she realized that it wasn't going to work. We had all sorts of trucks and cars lining up to get past the cat. So she decides she is going to try to move the cat because she obviously can't just leave him there to be run over by another car.

As soon as she touches him, he leaps to life. He starts to spit and hiss. He obviously had something broken and was in pain because he was moving in a very jerky/ erratic way. The poor cat was scared and completely disoriented. He starts to jump and spin in circles trying to attack all the people near him. He's leaping and twisting.... basically he's completely out of his mind.

Suddenly he turns and charges my car. He leaps towards my unrolled window but stops short by about four inches and slams into my driver door. He proceeds to go crazy under my car. I can hear him banging and hissing and he altogether freaks me out. Suddenly he goes calm... But he's still under my car so I can't move!

Meanwhile, Kevin hears all this commotion and comes out to see what has happened. He sees my car still there and all these people hoovering around my car. Kevin yells down in an accusing tone," What did you do Megan?" I yell out that it wasn't me but I only rolled down my window about an inch because I was still terrified that the cat was going to turn Kujo on me and come leaping through my window!!

The lady who was trying to orchestrate for the rescue and transportation of this cat moved in to try to soothe him and he went crazy again. He started charging people left and right with his mouth gaping wide... It was like a scene from a horror movie where the dead zombie cat comes to life and is intent on infecting as many people as possible to turn them into zombie's too!!! Boy was I glad that I had barracaded myself in the car!

Eventually the cat ran off under someone's stairs and I took it as my chance to get away!!!! Poor little Kujo hell cat! I hope he turned out okay.... although if I ever do see him again I'm planning on running the other way!!

Sitting by the Tree

There is nothing as marvelous as a sipping hot cocoa on a cold winter night.... While my baby is fast asleep and I sit in the lovely glow of twinkling Christmas tree lights......

My Abnormal Delayed Grieving Process.....

Yesterday was awful... Truly awful. I won't go into details because I truly have no need to relive it and get upset. I actually started off my day great. I love Thanksgiving and all that it entails. I cooked and cooked and everything was great until Matty went down for his nap. Then I just fell to pieces. I don't know why... I was alone with my thoughts and I just couldn't help but cry.

I've been in a kind of dark place lately. Not spiritually.... It's just that I'm finally allowing myself grieve. I thought I was doing really great but I'm not sure that I actually am. I thought I had dealt with everything very well and then suddenly it has really snuck up on me. This past month has been emotionally taxing...

It actually all started maybe three weeks ago. My dad's cancer doctor called. It may seem odd that he called so many months after the fact, but his people skills aren't necessarily what they should be.... It stirred up a lot things in my mind. He asked if Dad had known that he was going to die. The truth is that Dad had insisted that Mom go home because he was determined that he wasn't going to die. Grandma had just died at the exact same hospital and Mom was very hesitant to leave him but he insisted that he wasn't going to die any time soon. When a nurse called Mom to come to the hospital, he already had a tube down his throat because he was having such a hard time breathing.

I don't know why I had kind of assumed that he had already slipped into a coma at that stage.... I guess just because by the time Mom called me he was in a coma and they were doing compressions on his heart.... But I guess when Mom first got there he was actually alert. Anyways- after the doctor called, mom mentioned that he kept trying to talk but he couldn't because of the tube. Suddenly I just felt sick. I can't help but wonder what he would have said if he could have. Did he know he was dying?? Was he scared? I know that he was a man of faith, but even some of the most faithful of men can be scared of death. I can't stand the thought of him being scared and not being able to voice it.

Death Is Ugly.

I don't understand how people say that someone passed peacefully because it's never peaceful. I've been at the deathbed's of two people now and I can tell you that it is one of the most horrific things ever. It's something that never leaves your brain. I see it when I close my eyes. I hear it when I'm trying to fall asleep. I can smell the hospital on my clothes and on my hands. I can still feel the my heart stopping as they announce his time of death. And once they are gone, they really are gone. It's only a shell. It is so obvious that they aren't there anymore. I hugged him and I kissed him just like I would have if I was tucking him in at night but it really didn't matter anymore. His body was stiff and was quickly turning cold. I held his hand and didn't really want to let it go because I've always loved to hold his hands. I remember thinking that he had the biggest and strongest hands in the world when I was a little girl. Suddenly he hands were the hands of a stranger. These hands that I loved and knew for so long.....I stayed with him longer than anyone else. I just couldn't seem to leave even though he had become a stranger in just a few minutes. It just seemed so callous to leave him all alone.

It has all just come racing back to me the past few weeks. I have a need to deal with my grief in private. It's just all so frusterating! I saw him in heaven after he died. I had a vision of him in heaven. He praised the Lord and rejoiced in the Glory of God. I wouldn't even wish him back if I could because I have seen his joy... I don't grieve for him. I grieve for myself. I don't know what's wrong with me because I can't seem to dwell on his joy rather than my own sorrow.

Yesterday was just so very hard. People can be so selfish in regards to their own desires.... Rather than try to ease the people who happen to be in pain, they can't help but assert their own self-centered agendas....

Bye Bye Hair!!!!

I cut my hair!!!!! It feels sooooo short!!! I'm minus about seven inches off of my hair!!!! It isn't really all that short... but I still feel almost naked without all my hair! Kevin told me that he wanted me to cut my hair. Every time I shed a single strand of hair it was so long that it seemed like so much more. Two or three strands all intertwined were like a health hazard!!! The past couple of days Kevin has complained because he somehow found random long hairs in his underwear drawer and really didn't want to end up picking my hair out of his underwear at work. ( he he he... alll part of my evil plan!!!!)

The final straw came when he was wrestling with Matty on our bed and when he breathed in, he sucked in an extremely long strand of hair and that is when he definately decided that he wanted me to cut my hair. I was kind of getting attached to my hair but now that it's actually gone I feel really good. In fact I almost wish that it was shorter!!!! It used to take me forever to shampoo and condition my hair every morning.... So good riddance!!!!!

Thanksgiving!!!!!

Without a doubt, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday... Autumn is my favorite time of year!!! The crispness in the air!!! The changing of the leaves!! Someday I will live on my own property where I will plant cherry blossom trees to bloom in spring and maple trees to change in the fall. There will be trees everywhere!!! I'll make my own little enchanted forest!!!!!!

I love getting together with my cousins and my family. I love the way that drama just naturally unfolds around us! That probably sounds awful... I don't like to think of myself as a drama queen but when it's not happening to me it always manages to give me a good chuckle. Is that awful? A little giggle at the expense of others every once in awhile???

I remember one year when Aimee declared that Margot was going to end up pregnant and on drugs..... All because Margot didn't want Aimee to go with her on a little walk.... That alone made me laugh for almost a full week!!!

It's really quite sad to think about the impending demise of our cousiny Thanksgivings... Our parents are getting older and soon the torch of hosting will be passed down to us. It is inevitable that we all go our own separate ways. We're all moving away, having children, getting married and pursuing different careers.....If it wasn't for our parents I don't know if we would have Thanksgiving all together anyways. This might very well be one of the last Thanksgivings together.

It's hard enough to think of Thanksgiving without Dad..... Now having to face the probability of our cousin Thanksgivings to be at an end. Wow... Things really change. We all grow up... We face our own mortality through the deaths of our parents and loved ones.... Eventually it will be us on the other end. We'll be the ones passing on the torch to our children and we'll be the ones to die. I've never really thought about what a lifetime really is... And now all I can do is think about how a lifetime is really just a blink of an eye.... In the blink of an eye this will all be gone and I'll be going home.

Hip Hip Hurray!!!!!

Hurray!!!! I got an A on my midterm!!!! I had stressed over this midterm until I was on the verge of a breakdown!!!!!! I researched and researched... I wrote and then rewrote... I was obsessed with the detail and attention that this midterm needed.... But when it's all said and done- I got an A!!!!! The teacher actually mailed our midterms to us. When I got mine back today, I did a little dance and Matty joined in even though he really wasn't quite sure why we were celebrating!!!! My cute little munchkin boy can cut a rug with the best of them!!! Especially when he's celebrating with his mommy!!!!

Just stop with nummy already!!!!!!!!!!

I'm at my wits end!!!!!!!!

Matty will not stop with the nummy!!!!!!!!! It's the first thing he asks for in the morning and it's all he ever wants at night. But he's turning into an obsessed little boy!! He's all over me pretty much all day. It's has gotten to the point that when he sleep talks he actually calls out for nummy. Then he smiles and I know that he's dreaming about nummy!!!! He didn't wake up from his nap until 5:30 and it's only seven right now and he's already nursed five times!!! And he's already asked for it four more times!!!!!!

I just don't know what to do with him. When I say no, he dissolves into hysterics! He cries and cries and looks absolutely heartbroken. He falls to the floor...prostrate in his grief and sorrow.... He is a very dramatic little guy.

But when I do say yes, he always smiles so brightly and he even throws in the word please when he knows that I'm doing it somewhat begrudgingly.... His contentment is so precious.... but so very wearing on me.

I know that giving selflessly is part of the whole Mommy package thing.... I actually feel like I'm pretty good at selflessly giving to Matty... But I'm seriously starting to feel like I don't even end where Matty begins. I need a little bit of space..... or to at least not have him attached like a leech for every spare moment!!!! I'm not asking for much! I just want some time to just myself. Some time where I don't have to be cuddling, holding and nursing. Even one straight hour of him not even asking for nummy would be good. It is soooooooo emotionally and physically draining to always be either nursing or dealing with fits.

I have always been very firm on wanting him to self wean...I don't even want him to necessarily be weaned. I just want to be able to clean and cook without his hysterical demands for nummy!!!!I can't live a normal life like this!!!! I can't ever get anything done!!!!!!!!!!!I'm getting more and more frustrated and I don't know what to do with my little breast obsessed little boy!!!

The Baby Wants!!!!!

The baby wants must be catching because I think I've got it!!!!!!!!! It all started when my best friend and her husband decided to start trying. We had always sworn that by the time she was ready for her first that I'd be ready for my second!! We really wanted to have babies close to eachother in age so they could play and become best buds too!!
I was really disappointed that we wouldn't be preggers together.... They're not exactly actively trying for a baby but they're not planning on preventing one either!!!!

Everytime I turn around someone is either pregnant, has just had a new baby or is professing the baby wants!!!!!!! I find myself contemplating what I will name my next baby.... or where I would put a second baby dresser.... It's INSANITY!!!!!! Matty won't even sleep in his own bed and I'm contemplating a new one!!!!!! I must be mental!!!!! We just seem to manage expenses right now..... I'm still in school and need to start plotting out my student teaching...I can't possibly envision another baby....
( But yet in my head he's a darling little pudgy boy who looks a lot like Matty but with darker hair and an endearing little dimple.... A little chubby love-a-bug named Caleb or Shamus perhaps???!!!!!)

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! How does one cure the baby wants without actually getting a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's Good to Be Home!!!!

I've just gotten back from the country trip from hell!!!! It was just never ending stress! Mom brought Elijah along... and although I love and adore Elijah, it always makes things harder. Most of the caring for Elijah responsibilities fell to me and although I didn't really mind it, it wound up being a more exhausting trip than I originally thought it would be.

The car ride home was what really killed me... I spent most of the morning trying to close up the country house while Matty was crying at my heels because he wanted to be cuddled. Elijah wasn't much better. I was ready to go crazy before we got into the car.... but then because it was raining and snowing we weren't able to stop over at rest stops as frequently to let the boys run around. The one time we did stop, I ended up having to change Matty's pants and socks because they got soaking wet from puddles.

It was very nice to see Grandpa. I always love to see him. His smile is honestly worth a thousand words. That alone was worth all the stress.

The snow was very exciting for the boys. It started to snow yesterday and I took the boys out to walk around the property and down to the tire swings. Matty kept running and trying to twirl in the snow while throwing up his hands and yelling "YAY!!!" It was one of the cutest things I've ever seen!!!! And luckily I happened to have my video camera handy. ;)

The trip had highs and lows but I'm just very thankful to be home. Back to my own bed and my own shower...... I can hog the tv remote if I want to.... I can let Matty run wild and free in the morning without being afraid that he'll wake someone up..... It's nice to be back!!!!

An ode to my beloved Chex Mix......

As of yesterday, I have become enlightened yet once again to wonders of Chex Mix...... I brought a bunch of food to class because I was one of the designated snack people. I just grabbed some Chex mix, some oreos, some chocolate chip cookies, and hummus with pita bread.

I had a slightly healthier alternative in mind but when I got into the store my plan went to all heck..... So when I got to class and set up what I had brought, this super crazy weird lady in the class, that everyone can't stand, came up to me..... ( The difference between me and the rest of the class is that they all just silently roll their eyes at her and I can't seem to stop from remarking on how much she bugs me!!! It's like an involuntary reflux.... Like how some people might involuntarily throw up a little when they smell sewage........ It's like she is the sewage and I can't help but throw up a little as I exclaim over how much she smells!!!!! )This lady looks like she should be a crack whore scrounging the streets but she is actually some sort of physicist who happens to be extremely obnoxious.

Anyways.... She was another designated snack person and when she saw all the stuff I brought she said in a sickeningly condescending voice.... "hmmmmm...... How nice that you brought all of the junk food!" Boy I don't like her!!!

So back to my beloved Chex Mix..... All that was left of my "junk food" after class was a couple pita pockets and a leftover bag of Chex Mix. As I sat and waited for Tony, I ate my little pretzels and corn chex thingys I was overwhelmed by how deliciously crunchy and tasty they were!!!! Hurrah for Chex Mix!!!!!!! So I don't care if the crazy crack whore lady thinks that they qualify as junk!!!! I love them anyways!!!!!!!

Megan, the queen of ditziness!!!!!!

Without a doubt, I am the biggest ditz ever!!!!!!!

My day was going smoothly. My midterm paper was finished. The throbbing in my head had subsided. I was cheery and carefree.........

Then I did the stupidest thing ever!!!!! When I left for class, Pacifica was so foggy I could barely see, so obviously I turned on my car lights. By the time I got down to Belmont it was beautiful and sunny. I entirely forgot all about my lights even being on and when I came out after class my car was dead!!!!!!

I called Kevin but he was in the middle of making dinner for Matty so he sent Tony. In moments like these I am so grateful that I have my hubby.... and of course Tony the psuedo hubby too. I'm so thankful that they came as a package deal!!!!

It's nice to know that Kevin is always looking out for me. Even if he can't help, he'll always find a way to get me what I need. I couldn't ask for a better hubby. He's such a good guy and a really great Daddy to Matty. I really lucked out when I married Kevin!!!!!

MY BRAIN IS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!!!!

I feel as though my brain is going to explode.... I have too many ideas floating through my brain... I have too much grief to stop crying....My head is aching.... I can't close my eyes without seeing words dancing on my eyelids... I'm already so tired and I can't go to sleep yet.......


MY BRAIN IS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!

The SDAIE Lesson Planning from Hell....

The past two weeks have been especailly crazy because I've been preparing a SDAIE Lesson plan with a group for my How to teach ESL class. Today we finally presented the lesson and I was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

I actually really like the people who were in my group but they needed to hash and rehash everything over and over. They were immensely frusterating. They just have a very different learning style from me. They need to write things down over and over... They need to discuss a subject to death.

All I need, is to write it down once and it's absorbed into my mind. Then we divide up work and go our separate ways to meet a wee bit early the day of our presentation. My way of doing things would be completely unacceptable for these people. They had to rething everything. Every smallest little detail had to be debated and worried about.... It nearly killed me.

We ended up meeting three times and each time we spent around two hours going over details for the presentation. It made me want to bash my head against a wall or drive a nail through my foot just so that I wouldn't be expected to sit through the maddening round about discussions..... Then of course I might have been labeled as insane or at the very least unstable...... hmmmm..... Insane assylums or sitting through mind numbing meetings based on stupidity...... It's a bit of a toss up......

Hallelujah it's over!!!!!!!!!! What was the funniest part was that the people in my group who worried so much and wrote out little scripts and everything ended up being somewhat flustered and didn't do nearly as well as I expected.... I'm not trying to toot my own horn .... oh well- Toot toot!!!! I was damn good.

I led the class activity and people peppered me with all sorts of questions about dominant and recessive genes and I never faltered. I actually got the class laughing and I surprisingly truly knew what I was talking about. Who would have thunk it!!!!!!

The Pumpkin Carving Party

Today we went to Nanny Betty's pumpkin carving party. ( Nanny Betty is Kevin's Grandmother) She's always dying to see Matty but she lives in Alameda so our opportunities to make sure that she gets to see him are few and far in between. She's a sweet little old lady. Sweet and sharp.... almost always snookered by two o'clock.... Nonetheless, we love her to death.

The party was quite nice, but my funniest moment in the day was when all the guys were congregating in the back yard and very randomly a guy candidly stated that girls can't get pregnant while nursing.... I was standing maybe ten feet to his left and said , "Well actually you can... It's maybe a little harder to get pregnant but it is still a very BIG possibility..." He blanched white and so did his girlfriend..... Ha ha ha ha!!!! Boy did it give me a good little chuckle!!!

Matty... My Little Holy Terror....

I feel like I've been going out of my mind today!!!!!! Elijah and Matty were so incredibly naughty!!! They would actually laugh and egg eachother on when they were being awful and bold....

Then Matty would not go down for a nap! He was so emotional from the lack of sleep... He would cry one moment and then in the next moment he would start to laugh hysterically until he would literally fall over because he was laughing so hard. Then if he got hurt when he fell, he would start to cry all over again!!! It was unbelievable!

He fell asleep for a half hour around five thirty. He was still tired when he woke up. He made a huge stink all through dinner and bathtime... In general- he was not very nice to be around tonight... He thankfully fell asleep around ten thirty..... phew!!!!! He has worn me down! I wouldn't be at all surprised if I woke up with bald patches all over my head because I've been clutching at my hair all day in frusteration!!!!!!

My prayer for Matthew

Every day I pray for Matty.... I pray for the man that he will become.... I pray for his decisions in life to be wise..... Most importantly I pray for him to be a strong man of God with passion for the Lord.

Some people measure success by whether or not you can buy a house, what college you went to, or what job you have.... For me, success is simply measured by your personal relationship with God. I don't care if Matty becomes a doctor or a judge.... If he isn't walking the path of the Lord it is all worthless.... Matty could be a cart pusher at Safeway for his entire life and I will be exhuberantly proud of him as long as he always managed to put God first in his life.

The hunt for Matty's costume.....

Kevin has abandoned the idea of Dr. Evil and Mini Me for Halloween.... I had told him that I was too busy to work on putting together the costumes for them and that if he wanted it that he would have to do it himself... He hemmed and hawed for awhile and eventually decided that he didn't have the time to put forth that much effort on a costume. I had offered to try to piece together a matching costume for Matty if he could just come up with his own , but he's just way too busy....

With that said.... I spent two hours today trying to track down a costume for Matty. That sounds ridiculous even to my own ears!!!!!! We had seen a cowboy outfit at a Spirit store last week that would be perfect for Matty but since Kevin was still hesitating we didn't buy it. Today Kevin told me that I better go get Matty's costume before they were all picked over... I had the ingenious idea to try Babies R Us.... but there was nothing in Matty's size! Then I tried Target and they had really stupid costumes in his size- Scooby Doo, a Chicken, The Backyardigans, a princess costume..... So I fell back to the Spirit store as my last resort.... I hate Spirit stores! They are so ridiculously expensive!!!! Even that was picked over but I found what I wanted. Nonetheless, I was feeling pretty desperate.....

I am making a firm resolution to start making and collecting costumes for little boys and girls to make my own costume trunk. When I was little my mom had an entire costume trunk filled with costumes for little girls. Whenever we needed a costume we would open up the trunk and find flappers outfits, prairie girl outfits, royal cloaks, ball gowns and all sorts of Little Women type of ensembles. Now we have all these little boys in the family and there is nothing for them in the trunk! ( Unless they don't mind being sock hop girls....... ;) So I'm going to work on my sewing skills so that I can make costumes for my boys!!!!!