Have You Seen This Child???

So last week Shannon was supposed to take Elijah to school in the morning straight from my Mom's house and obviously I was supposed to pick him up at 2pm because it was one of his normal scheduled days.

I show up to the school and there is no Elijah. I freak the hell out. I ask the teacher where he is and she says she doesn't know. No one called in sick for him and he simply never showed up.

My mind starts racing. I start thinking of all the scenario's. I call my Mom's cell and can't get through. I try to get through to Shannon but my phone dies. I drive to my Mom's house and bang on the door but no one answers.

I panic while painting a dreadful picture of Shannon being lazy and dropping him off in front of the school instead of properly walking him to his classroom while some sick pervert lays in wait to nab a cute little kinder kid.

I start crying because my little Elijah doodle is missing. I go home to try to finish making phone calls to try to track him down.

Then the phone rings and it's my Mom. She's remorseful and embarrassed because she forgot to call me this morning to tell me he has a cold and she left him with a sitter instead of sending him to school. She was going to call me earlier in the morning but was concerned it would wake up the other kids so she was planning to call me a little later in the day but then she flat out forgot.

After rightfully freaking out on her for not telling me right away about his cold and staying home from school, I confirmed with the school office that the teacher was wrong and that my Mom had called in sick for him.

Oi. The whole thing was awful. I'm thrilled that Elijah is safe and sound but we need to come up with a better method of communication because at this rate I'm going to lose my mind with worry over this kind of crap.

New Years

New Years was fun and awesome in a totally understated way. In general I've never been a big New Years person but I had a blast this year just hanging out with Kevin and Tony after the kids were safely tucked away in bed.

We watched some movies, had great food and some good drinks. Who could ask for anything more?

Backtrack to Christmas...

Christmas hanging out with just Kevin and the kids was heavenly. I loved just being all together on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day by ourselves. It was so truly sublime that it's as if we were in a magical haze of pure happiness.

Unfortunately, leaving the house for Christmas Eve and especially Christmas Day to spend with extended family was a disaster.

Phoebe hated being at my Mother in laws house with so many strangers. Every time I'd get her calmed down someone new would descend upon her to pinch her cheeks or tell her how darling she is and she'd freak out again. I finally got her to sleep for a short while and was able to relax for a short period of time but in general Christmas Eve was rough.

Christmas Day at my Mom's house was even worse. Phoebe freaked out the whole time. Everyone was getting on my nerves except my Mom, my brother/ his wife and Kevin. We left the party super early..... and she was an angel as soon as we were back home. Little boogery smelly cat.



Opening presents Christmas Morning:


Note that Matty is opening the Diego Dinosaur Rescue Adventure as a replacement for the real live dinosaur that Santa promised him.

Phoebe and her new baby cell phone-

This is a happy face, believe it or not-

Catching up to Speed...

I've been busy. Like I'm crazy, going to lose my mind, wish I could have a stiff drink but I'm on a damn diet sort of busy.



But I'll be making a good effort to catch my journaling back up to speed because this blog has missed A LOT of stuff that's been going on in the past couple weeks.

Christmas Card Disaster

I started off with brilliant plans for fabulous Christmas cards. I started off my trying to get some shots of Matty and Phoebe in front of the tree. Then when Elijah got out of school I was going to throw them all under there and get some more of all three of them.

We never made it to the Elijah photos because the original photo shoot went down the crapper so quickly I gave up for the sake of my sanity.

In the Spirit of Christmas Part 2

To view Santa's email inbox click HERE.

In the Spirit of Christmas Part 1

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Except for my son Billy's pet mouse named Chris.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this.



Anyway, my wife in her kerchief and I in my cap,
Were asleep after a long day of Christmassy crap.
When then, from the chimney, there arose quite a clamour,
"There's someone in the house" my frightened wife stammered.
I reached for the bedside, grabbed my handgun and said,
"This trespasser's getting an ass full of lead"

I crept down the stairway, and slid down the hall,
And, handgun in hand, I peered 'round the wall.
The burglar wore red, and stood fat and stout,
With a large burlap sack, to hold jewelry no doubt.
Who this guy was, I just couldn't place,
For a bushy white beard covered most of his face.



Now, I'm not a bad person, I think you'd agree,
But you just don't break into a man's house, you see.
"Hey you" I said, as he spun 'round with a twitch,
"Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch!"
I fired a shot as he dove to the floor.
Through a flurry of tinsel, I fired twice more.
"Please stop!" he yelled loudly, "You don't understand"
"Stay away from my family, you disgusting old man"



With his finger on his nose, he lept with a burst,
And dashed for the fireplace, but I got there first.
I pushed the muzzle into his beard white as snow,
When suddenly a small voice behind me cried "No!"



I turned 'round and saw it was Billy, my son.
With his pet mouse in hand, he said "Put down the gun.
What are you doing? Don't you know who that is?
Couldn't you tell by that red hat of his?
That's Santa Claus, dad. It's jolly Saint Nick.
Now put down the gun. Come on, don't be a dick."
Billy was right, this old man meant no harm.
I holstered my gun, as he outstretched his arm.
In a flash he took the gun right out of its holder,
And fired a shot into my left shoulder.



"Goddamnit!" I cried as I fell to the floor,
While the burglar made haste toward the jewelry drawer.
"I feel kind of bad" he said, filling his sack,
"But you believe in Santa, so cut me some slack.
Maybe next time someone breaks into your house,
You won't listen to some six year old kid with a mouse."



Then he yelled, as he ran off with my bigscreen TV,
"Merry Christmas to all. Well, maybe to me!"

Written and Illustrated by Rob DenBleyker

This Blows...

Phoebe is still wide awake and I'm bored as hell.

I'm going to make some hot chocolate to liven up this dreary night.

Strike for Sleep!!!

Phoebe woke up around ten again tonight. She's actually giggling and watching Wow Wow Wubzy. I can see her pulling random ornaments off the tree but I'm really too tired to care right now.



What I do care about is why I'm always the one to sacrifice my sleep for the sake of the kids.... especially when Kevin has the next day off. I'm always the one left to suck down coffee until my stomach revolts against me the next day as my only way to cope with no sleep..... All while he slumbers away night after night.

I've decided that tomorrow morning I'm going on a mini strike. I am going to sleep. And he is going to get his patootie up and moving with the kids in the morning. I will sleep as long as I want and I'm not going to hear a peep out of him about it.



The time has come for me to get some sleep- and Kevin can just suck it. ;0)

Bra's make for a Blahriffic day

My Mom offered to watch the kids so I could run around and get some of my final Christmas shopping done. I ran around to a couple different stores when the idea occurred to me to stop in at my favorite bra shop since it was so close. And let's face it- the last bra I bought was right after Phoebe was born over a year ago.

Seriously, my undergarments are not looking pretty lately.... but going bra shopping with all the kids without losing one of them is close to impossible. Not to mention the ever present thought that someday I might get CPS called on my arse when one of my kids eventually try to commandeer a giant bra rack or tries to dismember a mannequin. Stores are not my friend when I have three little kids tagging along with me.



So I decide to take advantage of this rare opportunity without children to go bra shopping. I skip through the racks of bras and start perusing the aisles for suitable styles. Then I realize that I'm not sure what size I am anymore what with all the breastfeeding I've been doing the past three and a half years.



So I take in a variety of sizes and styles. I try them all on. I give them the lovely bounce test. I start getting grouchy and irritated as I realize how little support some of them offer or how the underwire is practically cutting into me in others.... My head starts pounding and I curse the invention of bras.

I can hear some weird lady in the next booth huffing and puffing sounding like she's trying to squeeze and elephant into a bra for a mouse. But then who am I to judge? She's probably wondering who the hell would be jumping like a kangaroo in a bra fitting room.



I finally make my selection to a lovely black lace that fits perfectly in every way. I wait in a massive line to buy it.... then I finally get home and go to put it away in my undie drawer only to realize that after all that effort to pick out the perfect bra- the new bra I bought is identical to the old bra I was going to be tossing out.

Watch Your Back Santa.....

Apparently Santa has promised Matty a real live dinosaur for Christmas. One that can flip flop with him in the mud and sneak up on people to scare them.

Great. Way to screw me over Santa. Watch your back Santa. There are some deliciously spiked cookies and milk waiting for you.....

Courtesy of me,
One pizzed off parent.

Ho Ho Ho- and a Merry Mall Trip....

Off to the mall we went.... Matty was crazy enthralled with the prospect of seeing Santa. Elijah wasn't quite as excited because he had gone through the Santa drill a week earlier with auntie Shannon.

We get to the mall and from the moment we arrive all I hear from Matty is- " Where is Santa?? Where is he? I can't see him..... Where is he? Whheeeeerreeee iiiiisssss Heeeeeee Mommmmmyyyyyy????" Annoying as all hell.... but I have to admit it was still at least a little cute.

We finally see Santa. Matty is jumping up and down. The thought crosses my mind he might pee himself much like an over excited puppy. Elijah smiles in his shy little self conscious way. Phoebe fusses to be freed from her stroller.

Matty takes his turn and bounds up to Santa. He probably popped Santa's knee out of place when he hops up on his lap because he jumped with way too much gusto. Then I see Matty grow suddenly shy and start chewing on his sleeve while he whispers to Santa about what he wants for Christmas.


Then Elijah takes his turn. Things go much better. I can really see Santa agreeing with him and promising him heaven knows what. Elijah walks away looking very proud of himself and tells me that maybe I should tell Santa myself what a good boy he's been all year. I tell him I'll include a good boy affadavit in a letter to Santa.

I plop Phoebe down on Santa's lap for a picture. She screams, Matty won't look at the camera and only Elijah can pull his shite together for a decent Santa photo. I whisk Phoebe right back off of Santa's lap and acknowledge that the pictures taken are hilariously awful and as good as we're going to get.

So then the kids and I head upstairs to a swanky store to buy a jar of Ginger Souffle lotion for Kevin's Auntie Jenny for Christmas Eve. I head into this tiny 10x14 ft store complete with the double stroller and all three kids. I make my selection and have the store girl wrap it up and while I pay I pull out two quarters for the boys to get gumballs out of a giant gumball machine the store has right towards the front, literally four steps away from me.



As I'm signing my name to the reciept I hear a loud crash and turn in time to see a wave of gumballs headed my way. Gumballs, gumballs everywhere- spilling out of the store into the main walk way, falling on innocent bystanders directly below the balcony. The boys had knocked the giant gumball machine over and it was split open.


The boys were shrieking and stuffing gumballs into their shirts and pants like they had hit Eureka.


I was red with embarrassment and utterly horrified. I apologized to the shop girl probably a billion times all the while trying to scoop up the gumballs with my hands and dump them in the little dainty hand woven shopping baskets. I hand each boy a basket and tell them to start scooping like they've never scooped in their lives. I rescue Phoebe from choking on a gumball she's managed to pop in her mouth and I carry her with me, scooping all the way.



I apologize one final time, stap kids in the stroller and head out. Right as we exit that godforsaken mall, Matty hears one of those bell guys around the corner and declares to me that we need to turn around right now to let Santa know that his reindeer were loose and he needed to go catch them.

To which I smiled sweetly and told him that I'll call Santa later and let him know about the reindeer.... while on the inside I was vowing- "Never again..... or at least unless we drag Kevin's butt with us too. " ;0)

I seriously laughed till I cried....

THIS is what had me in stitches this morning.

My Hubby Rocks!

I'm still super crazy tired and a totally a bit slap happy right now from the lack of sleep but I just have to say that I love my husband.

He kicks massive arse.



He sent me a little bouquet of flowers today just to thank me for being a great wife and mother. It also probably had a lot to do with the fact he knew I had a horrible night with Phoebe again and he wanted to perk me up from my mind numbing tiredness.

Seriously I never would have expected flowers for just doing what a mommy does, but it really feels nice to be told how friggin awesome I am from time to time. ;0)



Then he called and offered to pick up dinner on the way home so I wouldn't have to worry about making dinner and having even more stuff to clean up.

I seriously love this man in an incredibly overwhelming, dancing in the streets. singing from the mountaintops sort of way.

Matty and his poop theory...

Matty announced to me today that he can't go poop on the toilet because if he starts he won't be able to stop. The poop will fill up over the toilet, up to the ceiling and fill the whole house. Then we would have to move.

I seriously don't know how he comes up with this stuff.

No Sleep for Me...

Somewhere, people are sleeping restfully right now..... Snoring away and drifting in and out of lovely dreams about snogging Ryan Gosling in a Notebook like romance....



Or maybe dreaming of what it would be like to actually live on a cloud of cotton candy-Sticky and gross would be my guess despite the initial intrigue of the idea....



Other people in other houses are probably sleeping and having marvelous dreams.... but not here- NOT ME.

It is currently 2:45 am and Phoebe has been awake for hours. She passed out around 8 pm, I tucked her in like normal and she popped up around 10 pm. She played and puttered around like her usual happy go lucky self. I turned on Little Einsteins in the hope that she'll just get really tired and pass out again, but no such luck.



She's had two massively poopy diapers and is completely content to run up and down the hallway indefinitely. And it's not like Phoebe runs quietly- she runs like a little sumo wrestling elephant. I've never known a baby to be as loud as she is just padding all over the house in her bare feet. I'm practically terrified she'll wake up Matty and then I'll never get to sleep tonight.

Here's hoping for a tired Smelly Cat Phoebe soon and at least two hours of sleep tonight for me. Fingers crossed.

New Home for Ivy...

I found a kick arse home for Ivy!!!!!!!!

They're perfect! It makes me wish I had more dogs to give them! ;0)
They are a pair of retired PE teachers who live in Oregon on ten acres. The husband has started up a small paper mill business after he retired. They are crazy active and love to exercise. They hike all the time and the husband is a big runner. They go camping all the time in the summer and they will spoil Ivy rotten. They are familiar with German sheperds/Labs. In general I couldn't ask for anything more for her.

I keep getting sad about saying goodbye to Ivy tonight.... I've even almost cried a couple times. But then Ivy will jump on one of the kids or will try to hurtle herself at the tree and I think to myself- "Oh yeah... this is why she needs to go...."

I will miss her. I really will. If she had been a year or two older I think things would have worked out very differently. Maybe in another couple years we'll revisit the idea of getting a dog.... but for the time being the kids are really much to young to handle such a wild pup.

Viva la Coffee!!!

Seriously, I'm exhausted right now. Literally on the verge of pulling out my hair. Wishing I had left my children on the door steps of some nunnery after they were born... ok- well maybe not quite so drastic. More like I should have sold them to the circus. They'd have more fun performing with the circus as acrobats than at a nunnery. ;0)



I've been up since 3:30 am. Phoebe crawled over from her co-sleeper into the main bed. This would have been fine if Matty hadn't of woken up crying and come into our bed too. Kevin started complaining about not having enough room and huffing and puffing which inspired me to try to move Phoebe over to her co-sleeper again.

This apparently inspired her to wake up gurgling, cooing and trying to tackle all of us. I tried to take her quietly to her room so she could play with her toys without rousing the whole house. Didn't work.

Matty wouldn't stay in the big bed with Kevin unless I was there too so he followed us. A crying annoying mess. He wanted Toy Story which is a tape... which can only be watched in my bedroom where Kevin was sleeping.

Matty's crying wakes up the dog who goes beserk to be let loose from her crate. Kevin gets pissed because all the kids are crying and Ivy's barking. So I let Ivy out in the hopes she'll just be quiet.

Ivy goes nuts running through the house. Matty is terrified and crying because the dog is running rampant and wild. She keeps trying to knock Matty and Phoebe down to the ground. I stick the dog outside and open up the garage so she can go sleep in there..... but she's barking and going nuts outside begging to be let in. All I can think of is how much our neighbors must hate us right now...... so I let her back in.


I lure Ivy to the back room with me and Phoebe. I nurse Phoebe desperately hoping she'll go to sleep. Matty starts calling to me that's he's soooooo thirsty. I give him some orange juice in his t-rex cup and he bursts into tears because he wanted soda. What the hell???? It's not like the kid gets soda that frequently. There is no reason for him to even be expecting or even hoping for soda. What a little nut.

So Matty continues to cry. He's sobbing that he might throw up... and honestly he might. He throws up at the drop of a hat- especially when he's been crying. I turn on Little Einsteins for Phoebe and rub Matty's back for approx. 10 minutes when I hear the dog crunching on something.

I get up to look and see that the dog has been very busy trying to destroy our tree. She drank 90% of the water in the tree stand, knocked off a bunch of ornaments, pulled ribbon off the tree and unplugged the lights. I go to plug back in the tree to assess the damage and see if the lights will even work anymore.


Upon plugging in the lights I recieve an insane electric shock through my hand and up my arm. I apparently was holding right onto the spot where the dog had been chewing and slobbering. My right hand and arm are still a bit numb and tingly.



All the while, Matty is still crying because he's afraid of the dog. I lock the dog up with me and Phoebe in the back room again. Matty finally calms back down. But unfortunately Spongebob ended therefore causing him to come knocking on the door and freak out when the dog tried to jump on him. Fun times.

By this time it was around 5:30 so Kevin got up and cuddled Matty in bed watching cartoons. Twenty minutes later I can hear them snoring. Damn Kevin for getting the easier kid.



So I'm trying to lull Phoebe back to sleep. She dozes off and I try to lay her down in her crib only to have her pop back up. Apparently that 15 minute doze session was just what she needed to give her a second wind. Lucky me.

Now it's 11 am and Phoebe hasn't been to bed since. I've now had four cups of coffee and I really need to get us out the door to go pick up Elijah from school. Plus I'm watching my cousin's two kids at 2pm. I can tell this is going to be a super fun day.

Viva la Coffee!!!!!!!!!!!

An interesting Proposal...

Hmmm.... I was cuddling with Matty and watching Toy Story when Matty looked up at me with big serious eyes and asked me to marry him.

I laughed and told him he was too late because I had already married his Daddy- kind of how he came to exist in the first place.

He shook his little head and told me that I couldn't marry Daddy- only him because he loved me the bestest.

He made me laugh out loud... my little odd duckling that I love so much. Kevin's going to laugh when he discovers his little competition. ;0)

Elijah Doodle and the Police

A lot of people might not think this is as hilarious as we did but here it goes.... On Sunday I had to call the police on Desi, Elijah's mom. Elijah stayed at my Mom's house Saturday night for some special Grandma time and my Mom ends up calling me around ten that morning to tell me Desi was there and she was refusing to leave and was upsetting Elijah. My Mom's phone wouldn't connect to the Police department for some reason so she needed me to call the police.

So I call the police and explain the situation, then I hop in my car to head around the block to swoop up Elijah. I expected to nab Elijah before the police arrived on scene but they must not have had anything better to do because two squad cars turned the corner right as I set my car in park.

I dart in to grab Elijah and he's crazy enamored with the idea of the police officers coming and doesn't want to leave. He's excited and waiting for them to knock on the door and tells me they're going to let him see their badges. I leave with him anyways despite Desi's pleas to stay and he doesn't see anything besides the police cars waiting down the street.

The police ended up politely escorting Desi back to her house and tell her not to return for the rest of the day. We had explained to Elijah they were just going to give her a ride home.

Desi called about 45 minutes later because she always calls a lot and leaves lots of messages when she's sick. I didn't hear the phone ring but the answering machine went off and Elijah was there. Elijah got all super excited and started cackling with delight at the machine- "Mommy!!!! Did you ride with the police??!!! Did you see their badges??!!! Are you in jail???!!! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!"


It was hilarious. I was so worried about my little Doodle being affected by all this and here he is, delighted at the prospect of Mommy getting a fun ride in the police car. ;0)