Elijah in school and the bizarre

So far, I hate Elijah being in school.

I'm not very fond of his teacher... but he seems to like her well enough. I suppose that's a good sign but I can't shake the slightly icky feeling I have when I talk to her.

I hate the middle of the day interuption. Everything has to be scheduled around Elijah's school hours and it's a huge pain in the arse. Yes, I know..... Kevin pointed out that this is a bad selfish reason to hate the school system, but I'm choosing to go ahead and bash it anyways. When I was growing up, learning was an adventure and everything was so spontaneous. I'm really having a hard time believing that these kids that look so miserable are experiencing the same level of excitement in discovering new things and ideas. They look too worried all the time.

I feel increasingly distressed as I observe the kids on the playground day after day. They're practically cookie cutters. You can peg each kid within only a couple minutes. The nerds, the cool kids, the jocks, the popular kids..... the kids no one will play with and everyone seems to avoid.... it breaks my heart to see these kids turned into little robots before their time.

Every day I feel so incredibly depressed at 12 o'clock waiting for Elijah to get out of school. Listening to the mom's and dad's talk and plan their lives around school....... All while dodging the volunteer Nazi's with my amazing spylike camoflage skills.

Seriously you can see the other moms judging eachother by the amount of volunteer hours or the amount of construction paper you've just donated. It's madness!!!!!!! Pure madness. I'm dreading the day I'm one of "those mom's" when it comes time for Matty. The mere thought of Matty in this sort of stuff just makes me sick. Heaven forbid that they may break his sensitive little spirit..... then I may just have to break their face if push comes to shove. ;0)

I really had no idea that people would be dedicating their entire life to school volunteer work. I'm all for helping out and being an involved parent but just how far are we expected to go??? So far the volunteer Hitler of the group has harangued me, Desi and my Mom into volunteering. On average they have about three volunteers a day. In what world do they honestly need that many volunteers per day?????? It's Kindergarten for Pete's sake! The whole thing is bizarre.

Run my little Frogs!!!! Run Free!!!!!

Practically overnight Matty and Elijah's tadpoles turned to frogs. The boys were smitten..... and as creepy and gross as I found them, I have to admit they were much better looking once they were frogs. The bizarre squiggly almost shapeless tadpole creatures they once were really freaked me out.

Now that they were frogs I could hear them in dead silence of night...... hitting the lid time after time. Trying to hurl themselves out of their tank onto my clean counter tops....... most likely emboldened by the success of frog #1 aka Escape Artiste, into freedom.

I finally had enough and told the boys we would be releasing them. We packed them up in Elijah's special bug jar and we drove to a creek to release them. Matty and Elijah were excited about our little adventure... but sadly I think it sounded a lot more fun to the boys in theory.

We freed the frogs and watched them joyously jump and swim with googily glee. We trekked back up to our car and I loaded all the kids back into their seats. On the way home I look in my rear view mirror to see Matty's eyes puddled with tears as he sniffed into the air in a poor effort to contain himself. Matty pitifully says to me, "Mommy, I miss my froggies..... let's go get them back!!"

In my head I think- "Damn it. I was finally free from those amphibian freaks.... I WAS FREE!!!! I'd rather be horsewhipped than bring those frogs back!!!!" Out loud however I say," Oh Matty.... they're happy in their special creek. They won't be happy with us anymore! They need to swim and hop and play! How about we scrub out the frog tank and go pick out some goldfish! Isn't that a great idea honey??"

Thankfully my little sensitive booger boy agreed and we are now the proud owners of two lovely fat goldfish. Very creatively named- Matty fish and Elijah fish...... brilliant genius behind the names if I do say so myself. ;0)

So I am FREE!!!!!!! And Matty still gets to have a special little pet after all. He still occasionally professes his undying love for the frogs in the creek with some sniffles and puddly eyes but his obsession with his new little fish seems to be gaining momentum by the day.

The sad tale of a tadpole...

The boys have been raising tadpoles. Matty has especially become very fond of them.... Quite frankly they are horribly ugly little buggers. I'm feeling quite regretful that I was so adamant with Kevin about the boys needing to experience the change from tadpole to frog first hand because they just give me the heeby geebies.

The tadpoles have been quite slow in developing legs, arms or resembling anything frog like up until a week or so ago. One single tadpole miraculously turned into a frog practically overnight.

The boys were delighted. He was their obvious favorite and they loved gazing at his googly little eyes and the slimy creepy way he stared back at them.

We left for the park and spent the day out in the glorious sun, only to return to a missing frog. Somehow the little boogery thing escaped. AHHHHH!

I ransacked the house searching for him. Terrified that I would step on him in the middle of the night or that we would eventually only find him from the putrid smell left over from him dead remains in a few weeks time.

I never did find him- living or smelly remains. We had to tell the boys that he had hopped away to a big pond somewhere far far away. Matty vividly retold the story with gusto to anyone within earshot. Elijah simply accepted it and moved on.

I do hope that the frog made it to safety in the nearby creek..... as doubtful as that most likely is. ;0)

Just another year...

Today is my birthday. The big 25... getting older by the day. I honestly can't believe how the time flies. I'm half way to 50!!!!!!!!!!! That totally freaks me out!

I always think that birthdays are the perfect time for some great introspection on life and the grand scheme of things. The reality is that every year is a year closer to old age and death. The faster these birthdays seem to speed by simply means that my time here on earth is slipping through my fingers more and more quickly.

I don't mind the fact that I will die. Eventually we all will die. I am secure in the knowledge that I will be rejoicing in heaven and I am not afraid of death. What really does actually bothers me is what I'll be leaving behind. Kevin and my kids mean the world to me and I can't stand the thought of leaving them to fend for themselves.... Granted I don't actually expect to be dying anytime to soon. ;0)

I guess the past year or so has really taught me a lot about expecting the unexpected. Sickness, Death and Divorce are all ugly realities in our world. These things and problems strike even the most unlikely canidates with no real discrimination. Thinking about these sorts of things makes me so grateful for the life that I have.

I love my husband and I love my kids. There are days and nights when I truly feel that if I loved them anymore than I do at this exact moment my heart would burst from pure happiness and joy. It's almost physically painful at time because I love them so much.

I dread the possiblity that this might all end. The little chubby arms and kisses galore, the late nights snuggling with Kevin. The little adoring looks on the faces of our babies... the scent of baby powder lingering in the air. The impish smiles and dolphin laughs... the growly gurgles and little tricks. This is the stuff that dreams are made of. Despite some of my day to day frustrations, I know that these are without a doubt some of the best days of my life and I intend to fully cherish every moment of them.

Phoebe's Baby Dedication

This past Sunday was Phoebe's baby dedication. I was practically beaming with pride. She's really such a lovely sweet baby. The dedication went off without a hitch and the pastor prayed a beautiful prayer over her. Phoebe was super cute and cooed and gurgled her way through the service.... although she did attempt a few brutal head butts that were slightly unfortunate. ;0)

After church we had a big BBQ at our house. A bunch of our family and friends came to celebrate the day. It really was a great little party. Everyone had a great time. Susan, my step grandma, came all the way from Fort Jones and that made the day extra special for me. It was like having a small piece of my Grandpa with us and I couldn't help but feel the presence of God on such an awesome day.

It was also really great to have most of my Chicca clan there. When Matty was dedicated we weren't all on the best of terms and Bethie wasn't even in the area so none of them came and I really, really missed them. Matty's dedication really ended up being so bittersweet for me because my Dad ended up in the hospital and the Chicca's weren't there. This time around there was nothing but joy because I know my Dad celebrating at home with the Lord and there is peace between us and the rest of my family.

Really and truly- God is good. May Phoebe grow to be a mighty woman of God and may grace and mercy follow her all the days of her life. Hallelujah, Amen.

Maybe....

I'm just so very friggin tired.

Maybe it's just a rut.

Maybe it's the fact the kids have been alternately waking me up around five every morning and refusing to go to bed until around 10 pm....

Maybe it's the fact I can't even friggin go pee in the bathroom by myself without Matty popping in his head to tell me I'm a good boy for going pee pee on the big potty chair....

It could simply be the fact that it feels like everyone in the world seems to need a piece of me- all at the same time on the same days.

Or then again it could be the fact that Kevin's been alternating between being a jerk off and loving husband all day long....

Maybe it's the pile of laundry that never seems to be done...

Maybe I just get tired of explaining where babies come from for the trillionth time!!

Maybe I'm just feeling the drain of the monotonous life of a stay home mom....

Maybe I'm tired of smelling like spit up at the most awkward of moments.

Maybe I'm simply exhausted from all the recent hub bub.

Maybe I'm feeling unaccomplished and aching to do something meaningful for myself...

Maybe I'm being under appreciated and would like an occasional pat on the back!!!!

Or maybe.... just maybe.... it's a combination of anything and everything all rolled into one.

Mommy's roly poly Phoebe bird....

Phoebe has turned into a little rolling machine! If I put her on the ground for just a second she'll start rolling and won't stop until she's either run into the wall or grabbed the toy she was after in the first place.

Watching her grow is so amazing!!!!!!!

My ramblings...

It's almost been five years since Kevin and I were married. It's been eight years since we started dating and nine years since we became friends. The time flies by so quickly. Now here we are with two little kids and more in love than ever. Sometimes, I really have to sit back and marvel at how incredibly blessed I am to have him in my life. I can't even imagine what it would like to not have him.

Kevin's been struggling with a couple personal issues that have really affected me and I've really had to try to step back to absorb the lessons that God is trying to teach us as both a couple and as individuals.

I think most wives would agree with me when I say that we truly feel along with our husbands. When Kevin is upset then I'm upset.... when he is happy I am happy. His triumph's are my triumphs, his sorrow and loss is mine as well. I can't help but feel for him in everything that he does. Sometimes it's hard to sit on the sidelines when your hubby is going through something he really needs to go through alone. It's been a big challenge for me to let him muddle through things on his own because I just feel for him sooo much.

There really is a reality to the Scriptural phrase "one flesh" because when your life and soul is so intertwined with another human being you are bound to feel what eachother feel. I never knew how accurate the Biblical scriptures were when they talked about cleaving to eachother to create one. It's amazing how together and like minded we can be.

I always thought it was kind of cheesy when people said things like "they're my other half" or "soulmate" but really, God designed marriage very specifically to fit those descriptions perfectly. The longer we are married the more I'm able to comprehend the full beauty and meaning of a Christ centered marriage. Even through mistakes or issues I'm learning to rely on God and not on my own understanding. I'm learning so much more about compromise and selflessness now that I'm opening my heart to what God is trying to do in my life.

No matter what may come I know that I am loved, needed, and adored. At the end of the day, when I tuck my babies in their beds and I crawl under the covers next to my Kevin- I am truly, truly blessed.

Easter Craziness!

Easter was pure craziness, but we had a lot of fun. On Saturday we had and Easter Egg hunt for Elijah, Matty, Kathryn, and Leland at our house. It was supposed to be super low key. We were making Easter cut out cookies with sprinkles as a little project for the kids and then we were having a simple Easter Egg hunt. Somehow the tiny little get together just got bigger and bigger. I had counted Mom, Tami and Bethie in as our adults. I hadn't really factored in Margot, Mark, Desi and Billy. It was certainly a packed house. We bbqed some hot dogs and hamburgers along with some chips and dip to feed everyone. It was still a ton of fun, but I ended up feeling exhausted before we even reached Easter at all!!

For Easter Day, we all got dressed up in our Sunday best and went to church. Phoebe was gorgeous in her dress. Matty was handsome in his suit. Even Kevin wore a button down shirt. We were all looking pretty dang spiffy. ;0)

After church we went straight to my Mom's house for a light lunch. It was really low key but nice. We actually had a wedding to go to later in the day so we basically stopped off at our house to freshen up and change Matty into play clothes and we went back to church for a wedding. I actually thought the wedding was sweet. I'm actually really happy we were able to be there for them on their wedding day, so all the running around and tiredness of Easter Day ended up being well worth it.

All in all it was a very successful Easter. :)

Matty's Sandy Mess

So a few weeks ago, Elijah had a nasty flu/cold and so did Phoebe. I had just finished giving Elijah some juice and tylenol and was trying to rock my little Phobe bird to sleep when I realized I could feel a draft of air.

I finally lay Phoebe down in her crib and venture towards the front room to discover Matty has stripped off all his clothes, gone outside in the rain, gotten into the sandbox, has covered his nakey body in sand, has made a sand body painting on our glass back sliding door, and has decided to create a sand castle in the middle of our kitchen.

I was so crazily overwhelmed with Elijah and Phoebe being so sick that I was spitting mad.... but one look at his little funny face; covered in sand and drenched from the rain , that I couldn't help but laugh at the craziness that is my little Matty. My one and only regret from that moment is that I somehow forgot to take a picture in all of his glory. ;0)

Floundering....

Sometimes I just feel lost. There is no better way to describe it. I'm floating along doing my best to raise my gorgeous little babies in accordance with God's will, but there are times when I just feel myself floundering.

I've been really reveling in motherhood since Matty has been born and although I loved being involved in the Master's program at Notre Dame de Namur I really missed spending time with Matty that I otherwise would have been spending on school stuff.

However, I'm beginning to even question my whole direction in regards to teaching. What I always wanted to do was become a Christian psychologist.... and really that is where my heart lies. At this rate though I can't really picture myself spending a ton of extra time getting another BA and then another Master's on top of that when I can't even find time to finish my Master's in education to begin with!!!!!

I love being a mother and a wife... but I know that is not meant to be my only calling in life. Time after time God has assured me that I have amazing potential and a miraculous purpose in my life... but sometimes it's hard to see it when I'm covered in burp up and am running on only 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night.

Kevin is so awesome when it comes to encouragement and making my dreams become a reality.... but right now I can't seem to look beyond being a damn good Mommy and a kick ass wife. Maybe I'm being a bit short-sighted -but I'm happy with the way things are right now. I'm going to have to jump that bridge when I come to it.

I guess this pretty much sums up the Mothering/work dilemma. I miss working and school.... but I would desperately miss my kids too!

The spit up giggles...

In light of my last snot inspired footnote I thought I would jot down a little gross spit up incident that I'm sure I'll want to remember someday. :)

We were waiting at the pharmacy to get Matty's new antibiotics on Tuesday. I had bought Matty a sucker to occupy him while we waited. Phoebe started to get grumpy because was tired and hungry. I nursed her in an effort to calm her down.

About five minutes into her nursing session she reared back her head, arched her back and spewed all over me. I'm not talking about a tiny dribble- or even a regular spit up.... I'm talking about a baby version straight from the exorcist. If I wasn't so grossed out, I would have been proud of the distance she got on her projectile throw up.

It completely soaked me. Through my knit sweater, two layered tees straight to my skin. The entire left side of my body was drenched in spit up. I looked down at her little face and she actually giggled. :) She was soooo very pleased with herself- I couldn't help but laugh along with it too.

My poor sick boy....

We're doing a bit better.... Thank heavens for that.

Monday night he started saying his ears hurt him so I made an early morning appointment for him to get checked. Phoebe was supposed to see a nurse for shots anyways so it actually worked out pretty well.

My "poor sick boy's" ear infection flared up again. Because he had stopped the amoxacillian before the 10 day mark it never really went away. The advice nurse who helped me when he had his reaction to the amoxacillian assured me that normally antibiotics kill all the infection within the first 3-5 days and the extra days were just precautionary. I even told her on Friday that I would be more comfortable bringing him in anyways to make sure the ear infection was gone before going cold turkey on the antibiotics. She sounded so sure of herself and was so negative about bringing him in and Matty seemed so good that I caved.... I should have pushed the point but I didn't. I've learned my lesson and will not be a dang nurse next time when my mother's instinct is to take him in. Grrr.... My mama bear instinct is almost always right.


Matty's doing well on the new medicine so far.... He isn't complaining about his ears anymore but he still has Elijah's nasty cold bug. He's so gross and snotty that every time he hugs me I somehow end up with "snail trails" on my shirt or arm. Sooo disgusting. I'm literally on my 5th shirt of the day.

I love being a mom but there are times when I fantasize about having a snot/ spit up day free..... I'm dreaming big people!!!!!!!

I am so sick of my kids being sick!!!

It's a never ending cycle!!!

First Matty had a cold... then Phoebe had a cold... then I caught a minor cold while taking care of them... then Elijah had a cold and he passed it on to Matty , so Matty had another cold... then Matty had an ear infection.... then Matty had a reaction to the amoxicillain... Elijah had another flu/cold and now Matty has the same darn flu cold bug!!!!!

I'm so frusterated I could scream. Matty is constantly crying... unless I'm holding him.

I can't take care of Phoebe and hold him all the time... but as soon as I put Matty down he starts to cry- which starts Phoebe crying. I feel like I'm damned if I do... damned if I don't. They are pretty much sitting on my lap together all the time. Thank heaven's Phoebe fell asleep right now... as I write this Matty is sprawled across my lap.

This morning when Matty woke up he cuddled up close to me and said- "Mommy, I need cuddles.... I'm a poor sick boy..." Heaven knows that's he's still charming when he's sick.... if he didn't have moments like that to blend in with all the crying I would sooo be on my third margarita by now! j/k

Lord- give me the patience I need to wait out the sick season with my kids.... Amen.

Matty's First Day of Official Potty Training!!!!!!

We decided to just jump on into the whole potty training thing head first today. I've been hoping that Matty would naturally progress into wanting to pee-pee on the potty chair to be more like a big boy but at some point I knew I was going to have to start pushing the issue.

Honestly, Matty is the type of kid that always needs a big push to make big changes. He never gives in very willingly. I always start off with grand ideas about how he will naturally self wean, or ask to sleep by himself or magically start asking to go pee-pee like Daddy but it never works that way with him! He's just not the type of kid that does well with that sort of approach.... and I think I've finally accepted that fact. :)

Kevin took him to pick out his big boy underpants yesterday. He got all sorts- Diego, Spiderman, Pirates of the Caribean and just for good measure some boxer briefs just like Daddy. He was so excited to put on his Diego undies today and I've been working with him all day. He only had two accidents today and I am thrilled to pieces with how well he's doing. About a half hour ago he actually walked into the bathroom, stripped down his undies and peed on the potty chair all by himself!!!! Then he went about his normal business of playing. Despite the fact he forgot to put his undies back on afterwards- I must say that I am one proud Mommy!

He's just grown so quickly... where did all the time go??!!!!

Searching for Schools.....

This whole day has been nuts! I'm feeling so exhausted right now. Thank heavens I finally got all the kids to miraculously take a nap!!! My Mom has to be at the hospital right now with my aunt who is having a breast lumpectomy and so she needed me to go on a bunch of school tours for Elijah. The kids and I woke up a little after 8 which threw me into a panic-considering I had to be at the first school by 9. I was going to drop Matty off to Bethie in just his jammies but he managed to soak his pants and dirty his shirt with smooshed banana all within 15 minutes of waking up. I rushed through my shower, got Matty and Phoebe dressed, dropped Matty off and made it to the school only two minutes late. :)

I hated the first school's principal.... Within minutes of meeting him I knew he was a complete douche.... and that's putting it nicely. ;) Despite the fact that he's a toole, his school is one of the best. I came away from the tour feeling so torn about the school. If I was looking at it with Matty in mind I would totally be thrilled by it. It's really focused on academics and what really makes it so great and unusual is all of the parent participation. The PTO does tons of fundraisers and what not to make up for all of the budget cuts and on average they raise/donate anywhere from 100,000 to 175,000 dollars a year. That money goes directly into hiring special art teachers and music teachers to come in three times a week. They also have been doing all sorts of other upgrades and you can really feel the difference. The big problem is that the principal quite obviously does not want children with learning disabilities at his school. He's only focused on test scores and repeatedly said things along the lines of " This school is for children who are bright and smart...... I like to think of this school as the eqivelent of an elementary Harvard prep school....blah blah blah " He seriously needs to take the stick out of his butt. His way of teaching actually goes against so much of what I stand for as a teacher.... or an almost teacher. ;) When asked directly about students with special needs he says all the right things but then he'll follow up his pc speech to go on about how individualization is what's wrong with our education system.

The second school had such a better vibe about it, but they are obviously lacking in a lot of areas. They depend on parent volunteers to lead music or art or pe simply because they don't have as much money. But at the same time they are a lot more individualized and hands on which gives them a huge advantage in my book.

I don't know why I'm feeling quite so nuts over this whole thing. I know that if I was considering just Matty I would sign up for the first school in a heart beat....but I really don't believe that Elijah would ever last there- especially if the principal isn't enforcing the teachers to make accomodations for children with special needs. I hate the snobbery of the first school.... but at the same time, part of me thinks it would be such a great school because of all their extra resources.

Thank heavens I don't have to think about kindergarten for Matty for another couple years. If I'm going this nuts over looking at schools for Elijah then I can't imagine being any crazier when I do this for Matty!

Our Christmas...

Christmas passed in a flash! We spent Christmas Eve with my in-laws as usual and we hosted this years Christmas hoopla for my side of the family on Christmas day. It was actually really exciting for me to have everyone over.

This was our first Christmas in our first real home... not to mention it was Phoebe's first Christmas too!!!!! So really it was our first time having my whole family over for a big holiday. It ended up being really nice. It was the best Christmas day I've had for a couple years!!!!

Matty was crazy excited. Early in the morning he was hilariously "bossing" Kevin around and telling him he had to wait for Christmas to open presents. We had to tell him at least three times that it was Christmas.

Matty got ridiculously spoiled by everyone! He got everything from a big wheel and a whack a mole to some clothes and a big blow up jumper! He was so insanely excited by everything that he barely stood still all day. I practically didn't see him all day because he was going crazy on his jumper and his big wheel!!!

Phoebe was practically an angel. Cute and super sweet. Honestly- I feel so incredibly blessed. It was a fantastic day.

Escalator Woes....

My Mom has this loser friend who used to work with her. He was dismissed for reasons pertaining to his personal life but in all honesty he's just a loser who probably got what was coming to him.

Anyways, he's always asking my Mom for help and my Mom is just way too sweet and can't say no. She's done everything from help pay his rent to driving him to his counselor because apparently he has anxiety issues when it come to driving. So he asked my Mom to pick his mom up at the airport. My Mom selflessly agreed.

My Mom has to circle the arrival area four times before she eventually parks and goes in search of the guys mom. The mom is a real dingbat so she's clutching her suitcase in some departures area but my Mom eventually finds her. The lady's suitcase that is so big that it is on the verge of absurd.

They head down the escalator and the stupid dingbat loses the grip on her bag. It goes crashing into my Mom who ends up falling 2/3 down the escalator. Mom is so banged up it's truly painful to even see. She's black and blue from head to toe. She has giant bloody gashes from the escalator teeth all over her body. I'm talking her elbows, knees, shins, back, stomach... you name it.

Thankfully she's ok. Things like this terrify me. She could have broken her neck or something!! I know it's not her fault but I'm having to fight this urge to scold her for not being more careful. I just don't know what I'd do without her.

Jingle All the Way!!!

Christmas is here again and it's hard to believe the year has flown by so quickly. It's amazing that last year I wasn't even pregnant.... Phoebe wasn't even an idea and yet magically she's here this year!

I truly can't picture any better Christmas present. She's such a sweetheart and is already exhuding such personality. I truly feel so blessed. I wake up in the morning sandwiched between babies and it is all so blissfully surreal. I just can't imagine being any happier.

I'm hosting Christmas this year and I'm actually really excited about the prospect of having people over. I have the menu planned out and even have ornaments for people to make if they start to feel a bit crafty. Heaven knows I start to feel awfully creative around the holidays and all sorts of wreaths and stockings have been spawned as a result. :)

Nothing can put a damper on my holiday spirit.... hopefully. :)

Nothing else I can do...

Desi's been ill again for the past couple weeks and it seems like it's lasting longer than normal. We're on at least our third week and that seems unusual to me.

Honestly, I have so many confusing and conflicting emotions about her... especially when she's sick. Part of me truly hates to be around her because she's really such a pain in the butt. I'm just so tired of her being sick all the time.

She's shown up at my house twice now- completely uninvited and unannounced. The other day I came out of the bathroom and she was sitting on my couch playing with Elijah and Matty. Although I have made it known to her that I don't like her just coming by I can't just tell her to leave. I feel sorry for her.

Kevin doesn't seem to understand why I can't just be harsh and cut her out of our lives but I'm sure that if it was his sister or brother he wouldn't be able to see it as so black and white. I remember her for who she used to be. She used to have friends and be funny. I remember her working on her hair for hours. She would dress so carefully and even wore make-up. She was fun and always up for an adventure. We used to boogie board together and take trips to Santa Cruz. She loved to drive her own car and be independent. We would toilet paper houses with her driving the get away car. People loved her sweet nature.... she was a normal person who was so completely relatable and fun, but her sickness has stripped all of that away.

Despite her illness, she still is sweet. That's what makes it so difficult for me. If she was mean or a raging biotch it would be easy to turn my back on her. But honestly, she still has such a kind loving heart that I can't bear to hurt her. Everyone rebuffs her. She's lost all the friends she's once had. People don't see the same kind hearted girl anymore- they can't seem to look past the shell that her sickness has created. All she has anymore is family. She'll never have a normal life.... she'll never have normal friends. She married an idiot and will never have a fully functioning marital relationship. She's lost both of her kids and can't work. She has been robbed of everything that makes life full and worth living.

I can't turn her away with the knowledge that everyone else has scorned her too. It hurts my heart to hear that she isn't welcomed places because of her erratic behavior or tendency to hug too much. Logically, I understand that she can't continue to violate people's personal space or dance throughout a church potluck but inside my heart aches for her because it's just one more instance of her being rejected.

I'm so frustrated because she shouldn't be my responsibility.... she shouldn't be my Mom's responsibility either. I have a life. I have kids to take care of, friends to see, a husband to attend to- I have a million things that take up each day and I feel resentful that I end up working her into my schedule "just to be nice". At the same time- if I can't be empathetic and have compassion for her, who will?

A long time ago, I learned that in order to get through the pitfalls and tragedies of life you need to laugh.... and that's what I've done. I've joked and laughed my way through all of this for the past thirteen years. I'm getting tired of laughing... sometimes I'm just too sad and burdened to feel like laughing. But in all honesty -there's nothing else I can do.

My little Phoebe Bug....

My little bitty Phoebe Bug is here! Everything has been such a whirlwind. I feel as though I just found out I was pregnant but here she is already!

The birth went fairly well. I feel proud of myself for attempting my VBAC even if I failed in the end. I had gone into the whole thing with the determination that I would try my best and leave the rest up to God and that is what I did.

I will admit that I was very disappointed that I failed at first. I had been on pitocin all day and had been trying and trying and when the Dr. told me that we still hadn't progressed at all I was upset. I knew we were going to have to go for a c-section but when all of the surgeons flooded my room at the hospital I started to get a bit emotional. I totally started having flash backs to how awfully sick I was when I had Matty and it was all so overwhelming. I started to cry while the surgery nurses were asking me my medical questions and trying to prep me. I think I hid my tears fairly well and quickly rebounded with an optimistic attitude.

Being in any operating room is scary. It took my anesthesiologist two tries for my epidural and that actually really hurt like hell but otherwise he was very nice and super personable. He talked to me through the entire prepping time to keep me calm and after Kevin left with Phoebe, he was especially kind. Something that was kind of funny but calming at the same time was that his eyes were very similar to my Dad's... he even had the same kind of crazy eyebrows that used to make me smile.

The worst thing about the c-section was the way that your blood pressure drops during the surgery. The anesthesiologist had to keep shooting my iv with adrenaline to keep my bp up. That starts making you shake and you start feeling a bit paniky the harder you shake. Then right at the end while they are putting your intestines back in and basically welding you back together I always get sick to my stomach. They had to hold out a basin for me to throw up in and all the surgeons had to keep waiting for me to stop throwing up so they could resume and then I'd just end up throwing up again!!! They must have been getting pretty frusterated with my weak stomach!

The surgeons told me that it was actually a good thing we went for the c-section. The way Phoebe was pushing on my scar tissue from my previous c-section was basically a time bomb and if I had insisted on going further with the VBAC, I absolutely would have ruptured my uterus.

All in all, I'm delighted with the end result. Phoebe is so gorgeous and I've already recovered so well. What more could I ask for?? I never cease to be amazed by the way that God looks out for me. Little Phoebe is truly my little Thanksgiving baby!

Yikes!!! Water, Water everywhere!

Today was my due date and I had very little expectation of anything happening..... Yet somehow, my water managed to break while I was at the park with Matty and Elijah!!!! I was truly shocked. It wasn't really that bad at first so we still hung out for at least an hour or so just so the boys could play and I could walk around to try to get some contractions under way.

I called into the Dr. and was immiediately admitted to the hospital. However, after observing me for a couple hours he gave me the choice of sticking it out in the hospital or going home for awhile. And of course I chose to go home! Who wouldn't want to snuggle in their own bed.... use their own bathroom.... move freely without nurses complaining about you obstructing their baby monitors????!!!!

Everything just seems so surreal. I can't believe that soon I'll be holding our newest little baby! Craziness, craziness, craziness!!! I'm just praying for an easy and quick delivery... we'll see what happens!

Waiting for Baby.....

I had another appointment with the Dr. today and nothing seems to really be happening. He said that I've thinned out more than half way which is great but I'm not dilated at all. He could feel the baby's head when he was checking me so things are definately lining up the way they should.

He gave me the choice of opting for a c-section now but I told him that I'm still much more comfortable waiting for at least another week... Even if I don't end up going into labor by then, I'll be much happier with the resulting c-section if I gave my body a better window of opportunity to have the baby on my own. I know the risks of waiting too long to deliver and they are risks I'm willing to take.

He did a lot of extra poking around in an effort to kick start labor. Supposedly if it worked then I should be starting the labor process in two to three days. If it doesn't work then I'll be meeting with him again next Thursday to schedule my c-section probably for the following day.

I'm suddenly feeling really good about the prospect of going into labor over the weekend. I'm already starting to have more contractions since the appointment and I'm really encouraged that my cervix has thinned as much as it has. I think all I really needed was that little bit of encouragement. I'm feeling completely renewed in my resolve to wait as long as possible to let the baby come by itself. It starts to get quite tempting to just go ahead with a c-section because it just gets so wearisome to wait. It takes a lot of gumption to hang in there when you have such an easy out.

Hopefully, everything will run it's course as naturally as possible and no matter what, I'll be holding my new baby within days!!!!!!

Grrrrrrrr.......

There was another Mom at Elijah's and Matty's preschool that was pregnant but wasn't even due for another two weeks and she spontaneously went into labor about three days ago and has her little baby boy!!!!!!!! Here I am with my due date literally two days away and she beats me to it!!!!!!!

Sure- I'm happy for her and what not.... but somehow I can't help feeling just a wee bit bitter. I'm practically praying every hour on the hour that I'll go into spontaneous labor before my due date so I can avoid the whole c-section thing, but all I seem to be experiencing is a little bit of heartburn and gas!!!!!!!!!

Moving

Things have been crazy! I would say something to the effect of being nine months pregnant and moving sucks, but honestly moving into a house in general has been so exciting I've been able look past all the suckiness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Craziness!!!!

I was making a quick pit stop at the grocery store this morning to pick up a few odds and ends and I happened to run into Mollie Broussard. Mollie is the greatest and I always love to see her. She asked me about my due dates and what not. I told her that the Dr. is hoping that the baby will come early because he's afraid that the baby is going to be too big if we wait too long. ( Every time I go into the Dr, he seems to get more wary of the baby's size.) If the baby is over nine lbs. then there will be too much pressure on my scar tissue from Matty's c-section and my chances of rupturing my uterus jumps way up.

I couldn't have taken more than 4 steps away from Mollie when a strange woman pounced on me. She said that she couldn't help but overhear my conversation and basically wanted to try to warn me against a VBAC. Apparently, about a year ago, this woman had attempted a VBAC and ended up rupturing her uterus which resulted in a hysterectomy. She was devastated by the whole experience. She practically started sobbing as she was talking to me. Honestly, she kind of freaked me out. I tried to dismiss her as nicely as possible by saying that I had done my research. I told her that although it is always informative to hear stories from each side that I have made my decision and I plan to stick by it. As I'm walking away she's practically begging me to reconsider. It was complete craziness!!!!!

ABC....123....

I've been insanely busy. I've been watching Elijah from 9-5 every day and although it's been really good for him, I've been pooped! Elijah and Matty just love to be together all the time. I don't think they could be any happier. Elijah has been introducing Matty as his brother or telling people that, "This is my Matty." It's been really cute.

I've been doing a whole preschool, homeschool thing with him and I'm really seeing some improvement. We're working on all sorts of things. Opposites, letters, counting, people drawings, circles, sequencing, matching objects, patterns.... all sorts of things. It's actually been really quite fun. I also try to make a point of having some sort of fun craft to do too. One day we made tissue paper collages and another day we made egg carton catepillars. We've done practically everything from bath tub art to painting our own shadow tracings!!!

It's been a ton of fun, but I'm exhausted by the end of the day! I have no idea how I'll keep all of this up when the time comes for us to actually move!

When Panic Attacks!!!!

I swear that I'm on the verge of a new baby panic attack!!!!! There is just so much going on and I'm feeling like I'm going to go nuts!!!

We had been planning on moving the month of August.... maybe the month of September but we felt like that was kind of stretching it. Now things have changed and we're actually searching with my Mom to find a house to buy. It's been so much fun and is so awesome but at the same time I'm starting to really feel pressure to get settled.

We made an offer on the house right next door to my Mom but apparently the people are still hoping for more money so they asked us to give them until next Tuesday to officially accept or reject our offer. Even if they do accept the offer, it's not like we can just start moving right away. We need to do stuff like have the atrocious blue carpets replaced, have everything painted and we even need to start planning on the kitchen remodel! ( The cabinets basically consist of particle board. They are supremely crappy to say the least....) It just seems like so much to get done and I'm freaking out at the prospect of it.

By the time I was this pregnant with Matty I was putting the finishing touches on his little nursery. With this baby I can't even start to set up her dresser or her basinette because we're just going to have to move it again so it would be pointless!!! I'm getting more and more panicked because I can't get anything done yet!! I feel like my hands are tied behind my back until we get a house and we can't get a house until those people decide to accept our offer.... Even if they reject the offer, we've wasted more than a week haggling with them and we'll just have start from scratch all over again. Ahhh!!!

I just need more time!!!

Car Shopping

Kevin and I are looking into buying a mini van.... I was really not thrilled with the prospect of driving around in a mini van because it seemed so not me for some reason, but now that we've actually looked around I have fallen in love the with the Toyota Sienna. I'm thrilled with it. I can't wait to actually buy it. We were going to buy one over the weekend. We had actually set almost everything up but when we showed up to pick up the car the dealership tried to pull some sort of scam about color. They claimed we never specified the color ( but we had- in fact I had been more than accomodating. I gave Kevin four color choices that I would be fine with. The dealer just had to give us one of those four colors.) After we pulled out paperwork with the specified color then he changed his tune saying that the guy who had been working with us had "mistakenly" agreed. They gave us a choice between this disgusting gold color, or a pea green soup color or paying an extra 2000 dollars for our first choice. Obviously the whole situation was insane and so we walked away. Now we have to start all over again at a different place. It kind of stinks but Kevin's the one who does all of the negotiating so it's not like I have to put effort into the process. It mainly just stinks for Kevin, but I have the feeling he secretly enjoys haggling over the price and extra details . ;)

Baby Mama Name Drama ;)

So the name drama continues.... I feel like I just know what this baby's name is already but Kevin really doesn't like it. He's been trying to bargain. He'll say things like if he can buy a new car then he'll agree or if he can get a giant flat screen tv.... that sort of stuff. The problem is that I really want this to be a decision made by both of us... not just buy him out of his naming rights!!!

But at the same time I've never felt this certain about a name- ever!!!! I'm seriously considering his offer.... ;) Nonetheless, I'm still trying to at least look at other name options but I'm really not liking any of them!!!!

I came up with one new name to add to the list- Emmaline. It's not even in the top 1000 and I think it has a classic sound plus we can call her Emma so Kevin doesn't have a heart attack with something too different. Kevin doesn't even like this name very much, and I'm wondering why I'm putting all this effort into finding something more neutral for the both of us when he still dislikes it and I won't be really happy either.

Kevin's #1 name is Zoe. I just can't really picture our baby girl as a Zoe. I don't hate the name... it just doesn't seem right somehow.

So for the moment... I'm still pushing for Phoebe. My second choice would be Daphne. My third Emmaline... but I'm really afraid that Emmaline is another hormonal insanity mood swing name. Am I really crazy???

Feeding the birds....

Yesterday, I took Matty for a walk to feed the pigeons down by the pier. He always loves doing it and we hadn't done it for at least a month.

We get there and he starts throwing out bread to the birds. As the birds start to swarm and get more frantic to get a piece, Matty starts trying to boss them, " Sit down birdies!!! One at a time!!!" I have no idea where he got this but it was absolutely hilarious. The poor kid was so very dissapointed that the birdies wouldn't listen...

My Brilliant Sponge Boy....

Today, Matty was tugging on the curtains in the front room and I told him for probably the hundreth time not to pull on the curtains and that if he pulled on it again he was going to have to get a spank.

He smiled super sweetly and said, " Mommy, I'm cute." Of course I couldn't resist laughing at the little impish gleam in his eyes. Obviously I lost all authority and the threat of a spank went out the window.

Matty truly amazes me. The things he learns is amazing. He's always coming up with funny little sayings or doing clever little things. He's a brilliant, genius sponge boy. :)

4th of July....Celebration of the crazies????

All of our plans for the 4th of July were really kind of up in the air. My Mom was planning on spending the day with my Aunt Tonya and Desi/Billy. I just didn't see how that could be relaxing at all... so we were super hesitant about committing to anything... but by the time the day actually came around I figured- "What the hell? Why not? They're my crazies and I love them anyways...."

So I call and check in with my Mom to tell her we're coming after all and to ask what can we contribute. She then tells me that the Bardons have decided to come down for the day, Dana and Cynthia were coming and even our neighbor Bernie was popping in for awhile. I was thrilled... after all the more the merrier!

We get there and Tonya is already kind of huffing and puffing about who knows what. She's manning the BBQ grill and is acting like she's under some sort of persecution.... considering that I consider BBQing to essentially be the equivalent of being smart enough to turn meat before it burns- I was not impressed with her whole, " I carry the weight of the world along with the responsibility of BBQing..."

Tonya was incredibly unfriendly to Dana and Bruce when they arrived and all I can figure is that she's maybe jealous of Dana a little?? I can't completely blame her for being a little jealous because if Mom had to choose between Dana and Tonya I think she would pick Dana. Dana is the nicest, sweetest lady in the world- a complete joy to be around. Tonya on the other hand is grumpy, opinionated, self-centered and in other words- she's a pain in the butt. At times she can be witty and kind, but those times are few and far between.

Everyone was getting their food and Kevin was bringing in a batch of hot dogs from the grill. My mom told Kevin to put the hot dogs on top of the toaster oven but Desi and Billy were blocking his way. So Kevin said once, " Sure, as soon as people move out of the way." He then asks Billy and Desi to move but they continue to stand there.... doing what I'm not sure. Kevin asks them to move again and Desi then realizes that he's holding the hot dog tray and plucks a hot dog out for Elijah ( She's still fasting) but then she moves back to her original spot. Tonya then speaks up and ( in a rude, condescending tone) starts telling Kevin that he needed to put the hot dogs down on the toaster oven like my Mom said. I jump in and say- " He'll put it down as soon as people move out of the way... just like he already said he would. " It came out sounding a lot sharper than I had intended it to be however, I wasn't about to have her speaking to MY husband in such a rude way. I was thinking to myself that it sounded snippier than I meant it to and I was actually thinking in my head that I should explain to her that I didn't mean for it to come out the way it did and that some of my irritation at Desi and Billy had somewhat undeservedly spilled out on her. But she had already practically leaped towards me yelling/hissing, " Don't you dare talk to me that way!" To which I replied, " Kevin already said it maybe three times that he was putting it down as soon as he could. You're just obviously deaf and couldn't hear him. I'll talk to you how I want."

Needless to say, she was pissed. My Mom advised me to stay clear of her for the rest of the day. Tonya basically stayed in the other room away from me or if I was near her she would avert her eyes and basically pretend that I wasn't there. She's such a raging baby.

In the meantime, Desi's crazy tendencies were in full force. In almost every conversation she would somehow try to turn it... We were talking about how awful some bosses can be and Desi tried to jump in and talk about how God put them in a place of authority to try to build their self-esteem. If they are mean or have problems- they must have self esteem issues. She's also always trying to insist that people have fear problems.... Basically she projects her core issues onto everyone else.

Bekah got out her guitar to play a couple worship songs. The boys loved it and danced in crazy circles and asked for more music. It was lovely, however after five or six songs, we had all kind of moved on to our own conversations. Desi sat down next to Bekah and kept asking her to play one after another until Dana told Bekah to put it away. For the rest of the day Desi would exclaim over how proud she is of Bekah and how blessed God is by her music. She said it at least 20 or 30 times. She sounded like a broken record or like Nilly Manilly ( or whoever they are- " Girl you know it's- Girl you know it's- Girl you know it's...)

Then Desi moved on to her hugging phase. She likes to hug everyone... a lot. However, yesterday Kevin seemed to be her main target. She was constantly trying to corner him to hug him and when she wasn't hugging him she was touching him. She would stroke his leg, or try to hold his hand, or rub his arm... Kevin was quite uncomfortable and was especially disturbed because in the past, Desi has claimed that she is especially sinful in having impure/sexual thoughts about almost every man that she meets. So to Kevin, every touch or hug seems very questionable in nature.

I actually had a good time yesterday... It just seems like there is always something with my family. If it's not a fight with Tonya then it's Desi claiming that we all have self- esteem problems as she is inappropriately touching my husband. What a day....

A sampling of Kevin's name picks...

Alexandra.... so he can call her Alex or Ally
Jessica
Erin
Lindsey
Samantha...call her Sammy
Kari....It's the name of one of his best friend's ex girlfriend- so it's out.
Kara
Rory... not as a nn- just Rory
Kayleigh... until I pointed out that it would rhyme with Dailey
Briana.... when I was preggers with Matty he hated this name

We just really don't have the same taste at all....

I like names like-

Daphne
Shea
Fiona
Keena ( still questionable whether I really like it or hormonally like it)
Wren...Kevin says this is the worst name he has ever heard in his life
Phoebe
Chloe

Our poor little girl will never end up with a name!!!!

Baby Naming Blues

Naming our little girl is going to be close to impossible... Kevin and I can't seem to agree on almost anything. On my part maybe it's hormonal but names that I liked when I was pregnant with Matty are suddenly repulsive to me and Kevin always has some off the wall reason to not like the names that I find even mildly acceptable.

I'm the first to admit that I'm kind of a name snob. There are dozens of names that practically make me gag.... and I dislike ninety percent of the girls names out there. Although I also admit to going through hormonal surges of loving names that the next week I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Example 1- I thought Margaret nn Maisy was darling for like three weeks, suddenly I can only picture Margaret as a middle aged woman and not a sweet little baby. Example 2- Suddenly I think the name Layla is lovely and coincidentally Kevin and I both love the song Layla by Eric Clapton... However in the back of my mind I know that Layla is really more of a stripper name than a real name. Not to mention the sexual connotations our little girl will battle- "Is Layla going to Lay ya????"

Anyways, this entire past week I have been practically in love with one particular name and I've actually loved this name since I was nine and reading Louisa May Alcott's Eight Cousins. I've pitched it to Kevin and had basically decided that this was the name I wanted for our little girl and that I was going to just start referring to the baby by this name every time that Kevin was around and make it incredibly clear that I was not going to negotiate.

I can tell Kevin is not crazy about it.... (mainly because he outright said- "I don't like it.") and I've decided I can't try to strong arm him in the baby naming process...I wouldn't feel right about trying to bully him into a name that I want, so in return for him keeping my name in the top three hospital choices I'll be willing to at least entertain his name suggestions.

As a sidenote.... Part of the reason I think I love this name so much is because I know that people are going to hate it. Is that so totally awful? Kevin's entire family is going to whisper behind my back and call eachother and say how awful our baby's name is... My mom will be ok with it once she understands where I originally got the name from. The Chicca's might cringe....I think that knowing everyone is going to react negatively is what is makes Kevin hesitate... But somehow all of that makes me just kind of secretly happy and gleeful... I must be a little evil... ( insert evil laugh here)

My sonogram is today!!!!!!

I'm going in for my sonogram today!!!!! I need to drop Matty off at my Mom's in twenty minutes.... I'm so excited!!!!! I have my fingers crossed that we'll be able to clearly see everything to determine the sex. No half way guessing for me!

I'm really strongly thinking it's another boy. Tony is thinking it's a boy too. Kevin has a strong inkling it's a girl..... So we'll see!!!!!

I had been really contemplating not finding out the sex of the baby so we could be surprised but Kevin wouldn't even entertain the idea. He really wants to know and there is no way I'll let the Dr. tell him and not me! Now that the day is actually here, I can't wait to know!

I better get going.... my bladder is going to burst already and this baby seems to think it's funny to use my bladder as a trampoline which just makes it so much worse....

The weird pregnancy sicko's.....

For some reason, as I get more pregnant I seem to attract a lot of weirdos. Now I've tried to give them all the benefit of the doubt... maybe they are just trying to be extra kind because they are aware of the fact that I'm pregnant. However in reality there is a flashing red light that goes off in my mind that tells me their attention is not quite all that innocent.

Instance #1- The guy at my local Starbucks started asking me lots of questions about the pregnancy and the baby. He started giving Matty free vanilla milk every time we went in. (Which is almost every day!) Kevin got kind of creeped out that some guy was always giving Matty free milk but I just kind of breezed over it thinking that the guy was just trying to be nice. However, it didn't take him long to transition from free milk to trying to fondle my stomach.... I use the word fondle because there really is not other word for it. There was no innocent little pat-pat...It was a full on feeling up my stomach. It was truly creepy... Needless to say I switched Starbucks.

Instance #2- (Not nearly as creepy as #1) At the dollar store in Fort Jones, the cashier actually asked me if I was pregnant and then began commenting on how fabulous I looked. He commented on my hair, my eyes, my necklace, my belly, how my nose was cute etc, etc. He was still pretty innocent but it was disturbing that his first attraction seemed to be to the fact that I was pregnant.

Instance #3- I had dropped Kevin off at work in the morning and I had thought it would be nice to drop by the bakery to grab a donut for Matty because he had been such a good sport about waking up early. I'm still in my jammy pants and a sweatshirt, no make-up, my hair is a rat's nest, etc. I pull up in front of the local bakery and there is this guy standing there. He sees me and his entire face lights up. He stands there, obviously waiting for me to get out of the car. I start thinking that maybe he's a neighbor that I just don't recognize or something. He approaches me as I get out of the car. He says hello, asks about Matty, asks how my pregnancy is going. He proceeds to tell me that he likes me, thinks that we should date and that really he's interested in long-term/ marriage possibilities and considering the fact that I have kids he thinks I would be delighted by his long-term relationship goals for us. At this point I'm thinking he's crazy... all I say is- " Sorry, I'm already married... in fact it's now been four years and we're very happy together. So thank you, but no thank you." Then I breezed by him into the donut store and by the time I came out he was gone.

Technically the third guy was just crazy and wasn't necessarily attracted to my pregnancy. However, my main point is that people either see me as much more approachable when I'm pregnant... or they are weird pregnancy sickos. ( My bet is on them being weird pregnancy sickos!!!)There is something about me being pregnant that brings out all the weirdos!!!

It's just goodbye for now....

The past couple of weeks have been pretty rough... It was heartbreaking to see Grandpa be so feeble and in pain. My heart literally ached for him. I had always adored him and admired him for his strength and moral character. His strength of character never waned through it all... I was really so proud of him.

I already miss him. I get teary when I think about his half smiles and the twinkle in his eye... the sincerity in his voice whenever he told me he loved me... the way he could spontaneously reach over and take my hand and the world seemed magically brighter.

Nonetheless, I can't help but feel happy for him. He's beyond pain and is celebrating in heaven. It's hard to grieve when I feel like I should be rejoicing for him instead. I feel so honored to have had him in my life for 24 years. I'm so blessed to have had as much time as I did. Lots of people never know their Grandparents. Matty and Baby bug #2 will never know or remember their Grandpa's. Kevin never knew his Grandfathers. I am blessed beyond words.

Sometimes I swear I hear my heart singing to me in the quite moments of the day... "It's not goodbye forever, it's goodbye for now. This is not the end- it's just the beginning!!!!"

An old fogey by the ripe age of 24....

Yesterday was my birthday and I had been a little worried that I would feel funky about it. Every once in awhile I get this feeling that I am just too old before my time. I think back and wonder why I was always in such a hurry to grow up. Then a birthday actually comes and reminds me yet once again that those days of youth are steadily slipping away.

When I contemplate my littlest cousin graduating highschool and think about where I was when I was eighteen I can't help but get a little nostalgic. At eighteen I had already been in college classes for two years.... I had already been in love with Kevin for a year and we had already made our minds up that we would get married as soon as I was a little closer to being finished with school and Kevin was more established. I had Matty a week before I turned 22 and now I'll be a mother of 2 at the ripe age of 24!!!! Life is just such a whirlwind!!!

Even though I sometimes feel like I'm an old fogey with all of my carefree days far behind me I know that if I could go back in time, I would make all of the same decisions all over again. I don't regret a single decision that has led me to this point in my life. I am more in love with Kevin than ever before... I feel so blessed to have Matty and the new baby on the way.

Thankfully, yesterday was a good day. It was the type of day where you sit back and are reminded of all the reasons why you love your life. By the end of the day you have no other choice than to thank God and feel content.

Matty's 2nd birthday!!!!!

My little Matty is 2 years old today!!! Time just flies by so quickly. I can't stand that he is getting so big so quickly. I know Kevin thinks that I am being extra sappy and sentimental... especially considering the fact we're going to have a new baby soon for me to fuss over. But I can't help but feel sad that he's growing up so quickly. He'll always be my baby.... my little guy Matty. It doesn't matter if I have ten more children.... he'll always have that very special place in my heart that claims him as mine.

12 wks Preggers Already!!!!!

I am officially 12 wks pregnant!!!! I had my first Doctor's appointment and everything is going great!!!! I heard our baby's little heartbeat and saw him on the sonogram. We obviously don't actually know if it is a boy or a girl yet but I can't seem to help but refer to the baby as a he. Kevin keeps teasing me that it must be a boy if I inexplicably always call the baby by he or him.

It was just so amazing to see our baby so little and perfectly formed. I can see his arms and his little legs all squiched up... I can see his little feet. If I look really carefully I can see where his eyes are and his little bitty mouth. It's amazing. It's things like this that really glorify the awesomeness of God. Nothing is as beautiful and miraculous as a baby growing in it's mother's womb.

Seeing my baby for the first time was just yet one more affirmation of God's grace and wisdom. There is already a plan laid in place for my newest little one.... I can't help but wonder what he'll be like. Will he be stubborn? Will he love to giggle and be silly? Will he be ticklish under his knees like Matty? This little baby has already brought so much joy to my heart.... and he's not even born yet!

As of tomorrow, it will have been a full year since my Dad died. In fact last year he had died on a Saturday and so for some reason it really feels like this anniversary should be today not tomorrow.....Maybe that is why I couldn't sleep last night....Anyways- What I'm really getting at is that it is a year later and I am just as certain of God's divine plan now as I was then. It doesn't mean that I don't feel sad or think about my Dad. I probably always will, but at the same time I feel peace within myself because I understand the whole picture. The grace and mercy of the Lord is astounding.

New Baby on the Way!!!!

I am so thrilled about all of the new little happenings in my life. Last week I found out that I was seven weeks pregnant and I feel like I'm floating.... kind of an icky throwing up sort of floating but floating nonetheless.

I am really excited about the new baby. I think I'm even more excited about this one than with Matty. I was excited when I was pregnant with Matty but I also had a lot of anxiety too. When Matty was born we had to change our entire lifestyle. Now we are totally baby friendly and I have no hesitation about welcoming our new little one.

My Mom was totally thrilled with the news and I can just tell that this is going to be great.

We're in just such a good spot right now. We're finally wrapping up all the paperwork and stuff from Grandma and Dad's deaths. The semester is at a close for me. Kevin has a great new job that practically guarantees that we'll be set within the next few years. We're going to start looking into buying a house. Things are just good. :)

Matty's Haircut....

I have taken Matty in to get his hair cut three times in the past three days. He immiediately begins to start throwing himself around as soon as we sit in the chair. The lady ended up taking a couple of monstrous chunks out of his hair in the back and managed to a disastrous crooked line in the front. We then left because Matty was obviously not behaving but we preceeded to go back and try again the two following days with no better luck.

Finally, last night I couldn't bear to let him walk around with such hideous hair so I locked us in the bathroom and cut it myself. I was terrified that it would be awful but it actually turned out ok!! I am shocked. It's not perfect but it's a whole lot better than a bunch of awful gouges all over the place!!!!!

The happiest girl in the world!!!

I am so excited!!!!! Kevin got the job!!!! This changes our entire lives! He is going to be a project manager for Scott Electric Co. in San Francisco. He will be working 40 hours a week instead of 60. He will get all weekends and holidays off. He used to work 50 percent of all holidays. He was always on call during all the major holidays. No more of any of that!!!!

I am so excited!!! This changes our entire lives! We aren't going to have to move away from the Bay Area! We're going to be able to stay here.... close to my mom and near the beach. I am just beside myself. God answers me every time I pray. I've been praying about Kevin's whole job situation since Matty was born and God has answered me. I am so thankful. I must be the happiest girl in the world!!!!!

Keeping My Fingers Crossed.....

Kevin has the most amazing potential job opportunity ever! One of his best friends works as a project manager on the Bay Bridge. Apparently they are looking for someone and Rick has suggested Kevin. Kevin will probably be going in for a job interview sometime this week. I have a really good feeling about this! Kevin would be working a maximum of forty hours a week!!!! He has currently been working twelve hour days every day.... It's been averaging out to around sixty hours a week. He's just so exhausted all the time. I'd really love to be with him more. This new job would definately mean a paycut for at least the first year but the overall positive benefits far outweigh the negatives. My fingers are crossed so hard they are almost glued together! I've been praying that Kevin wouldn't have to kill himself working so hard all the time and I'm really hoping that this is God's answer to my prayers!!!!!!!

Car Drama!!!

Things have been just pure craziness!!! I've been up to my neck in school work. I've barely had time for anything besides writing papers and reading. Kevin has been such a hero! It's soo amazing. He has kept the night shift, ( Even though he hates it!) just so that he can watch Matty for me while I'm in school. He's been fantastic.

Matty has just blown into the terrible two's and has suddenly become very opinionated about EVERYTHING! He doesn't want that shirt or that cup or those shoes....There are some days when I want to just tear out my hair in frusteration. For the most part though, he is still his sweet little self.... just with a bit more "grrrrr".

My car broke down yesterday and that was a major ARGH!! sort of moment. It broke down on Highway 1 on my way to class. Thankfully Matty wasn't with me. I ended up leaving my car and walking home.... and it was not an easy walk. It was pretty much all up hill and I kept getting random pieces of glass gouging at my feet through my flip flops. Nonetheless I'm still feeling positive....Although I'm not sure why.... We're not going to be able to fix the car. The transmission blew and the transmission place said it will take at least 3000 to fix it. Kevin and I had already discussed the maximum amount of money that we can really afford to spend on fixing it and it definately wasn't 3000.

The one silver lining is that Kevin did buy a car a couple weeks ago so we're not suddenly carless.... the problem is that it's a stick and I can't drive a stick! So this weekend I'm going to try to dedicate myself to learning how to drive a stick..... Hopefully I'll catch on pretty fast- otherwise I'm pretty screwed. I need to be back in classes by Tuesday, so I have a very limited amount of driving practice time. AHHHH!!! I'm crossing my fingers and praying really loudly!