When Panic Attacks!!!!

I swear that I'm on the verge of a new baby panic attack!!!!! There is just so much going on and I'm feeling like I'm going to go nuts!!!

We had been planning on moving the month of August.... maybe the month of September but we felt like that was kind of stretching it. Now things have changed and we're actually searching with my Mom to find a house to buy. It's been so much fun and is so awesome but at the same time I'm starting to really feel pressure to get settled.

We made an offer on the house right next door to my Mom but apparently the people are still hoping for more money so they asked us to give them until next Tuesday to officially accept or reject our offer. Even if they do accept the offer, it's not like we can just start moving right away. We need to do stuff like have the atrocious blue carpets replaced, have everything painted and we even need to start planning on the kitchen remodel! ( The cabinets basically consist of particle board. They are supremely crappy to say the least....) It just seems like so much to get done and I'm freaking out at the prospect of it.

By the time I was this pregnant with Matty I was putting the finishing touches on his little nursery. With this baby I can't even start to set up her dresser or her basinette because we're just going to have to move it again so it would be pointless!!! I'm getting more and more panicked because I can't get anything done yet!! I feel like my hands are tied behind my back until we get a house and we can't get a house until those people decide to accept our offer.... Even if they reject the offer, we've wasted more than a week haggling with them and we'll just have start from scratch all over again. Ahhh!!!

I just need more time!!!

Car Shopping

Kevin and I are looking into buying a mini van.... I was really not thrilled with the prospect of driving around in a mini van because it seemed so not me for some reason, but now that we've actually looked around I have fallen in love the with the Toyota Sienna. I'm thrilled with it. I can't wait to actually buy it. We were going to buy one over the weekend. We had actually set almost everything up but when we showed up to pick up the car the dealership tried to pull some sort of scam about color. They claimed we never specified the color ( but we had- in fact I had been more than accomodating. I gave Kevin four color choices that I would be fine with. The dealer just had to give us one of those four colors.) After we pulled out paperwork with the specified color then he changed his tune saying that the guy who had been working with us had "mistakenly" agreed. They gave us a choice between this disgusting gold color, or a pea green soup color or paying an extra 2000 dollars for our first choice. Obviously the whole situation was insane and so we walked away. Now we have to start all over again at a different place. It kind of stinks but Kevin's the one who does all of the negotiating so it's not like I have to put effort into the process. It mainly just stinks for Kevin, but I have the feeling he secretly enjoys haggling over the price and extra details . ;)

Baby Mama Name Drama ;)

So the name drama continues.... I feel like I just know what this baby's name is already but Kevin really doesn't like it. He's been trying to bargain. He'll say things like if he can buy a new car then he'll agree or if he can get a giant flat screen tv.... that sort of stuff. The problem is that I really want this to be a decision made by both of us... not just buy him out of his naming rights!!!

But at the same time I've never felt this certain about a name- ever!!!! I'm seriously considering his offer.... ;) Nonetheless, I'm still trying to at least look at other name options but I'm really not liking any of them!!!!

I came up with one new name to add to the list- Emmaline. It's not even in the top 1000 and I think it has a classic sound plus we can call her Emma so Kevin doesn't have a heart attack with something too different. Kevin doesn't even like this name very much, and I'm wondering why I'm putting all this effort into finding something more neutral for the both of us when he still dislikes it and I won't be really happy either.

Kevin's #1 name is Zoe. I just can't really picture our baby girl as a Zoe. I don't hate the name... it just doesn't seem right somehow.

So for the moment... I'm still pushing for Phoebe. My second choice would be Daphne. My third Emmaline... but I'm really afraid that Emmaline is another hormonal insanity mood swing name. Am I really crazy???

Feeding the birds....

Yesterday, I took Matty for a walk to feed the pigeons down by the pier. He always loves doing it and we hadn't done it for at least a month.

We get there and he starts throwing out bread to the birds. As the birds start to swarm and get more frantic to get a piece, Matty starts trying to boss them, " Sit down birdies!!! One at a time!!!" I have no idea where he got this but it was absolutely hilarious. The poor kid was so very dissapointed that the birdies wouldn't listen...

My Brilliant Sponge Boy....

Today, Matty was tugging on the curtains in the front room and I told him for probably the hundreth time not to pull on the curtains and that if he pulled on it again he was going to have to get a spank.

He smiled super sweetly and said, " Mommy, I'm cute." Of course I couldn't resist laughing at the little impish gleam in his eyes. Obviously I lost all authority and the threat of a spank went out the window.

Matty truly amazes me. The things he learns is amazing. He's always coming up with funny little sayings or doing clever little things. He's a brilliant, genius sponge boy. :)

4th of July....Celebration of the crazies????

All of our plans for the 4th of July were really kind of up in the air. My Mom was planning on spending the day with my Aunt Tonya and Desi/Billy. I just didn't see how that could be relaxing at all... so we were super hesitant about committing to anything... but by the time the day actually came around I figured- "What the hell? Why not? They're my crazies and I love them anyways...."

So I call and check in with my Mom to tell her we're coming after all and to ask what can we contribute. She then tells me that the Bardons have decided to come down for the day, Dana and Cynthia were coming and even our neighbor Bernie was popping in for awhile. I was thrilled... after all the more the merrier!

We get there and Tonya is already kind of huffing and puffing about who knows what. She's manning the BBQ grill and is acting like she's under some sort of persecution.... considering that I consider BBQing to essentially be the equivalent of being smart enough to turn meat before it burns- I was not impressed with her whole, " I carry the weight of the world along with the responsibility of BBQing..."

Tonya was incredibly unfriendly to Dana and Bruce when they arrived and all I can figure is that she's maybe jealous of Dana a little?? I can't completely blame her for being a little jealous because if Mom had to choose between Dana and Tonya I think she would pick Dana. Dana is the nicest, sweetest lady in the world- a complete joy to be around. Tonya on the other hand is grumpy, opinionated, self-centered and in other words- she's a pain in the butt. At times she can be witty and kind, but those times are few and far between.

Everyone was getting their food and Kevin was bringing in a batch of hot dogs from the grill. My mom told Kevin to put the hot dogs on top of the toaster oven but Desi and Billy were blocking his way. So Kevin said once, " Sure, as soon as people move out of the way." He then asks Billy and Desi to move but they continue to stand there.... doing what I'm not sure. Kevin asks them to move again and Desi then realizes that he's holding the hot dog tray and plucks a hot dog out for Elijah ( She's still fasting) but then she moves back to her original spot. Tonya then speaks up and ( in a rude, condescending tone) starts telling Kevin that he needed to put the hot dogs down on the toaster oven like my Mom said. I jump in and say- " He'll put it down as soon as people move out of the way... just like he already said he would. " It came out sounding a lot sharper than I had intended it to be however, I wasn't about to have her speaking to MY husband in such a rude way. I was thinking to myself that it sounded snippier than I meant it to and I was actually thinking in my head that I should explain to her that I didn't mean for it to come out the way it did and that some of my irritation at Desi and Billy had somewhat undeservedly spilled out on her. But she had already practically leaped towards me yelling/hissing, " Don't you dare talk to me that way!" To which I replied, " Kevin already said it maybe three times that he was putting it down as soon as he could. You're just obviously deaf and couldn't hear him. I'll talk to you how I want."

Needless to say, she was pissed. My Mom advised me to stay clear of her for the rest of the day. Tonya basically stayed in the other room away from me or if I was near her she would avert her eyes and basically pretend that I wasn't there. She's such a raging baby.

In the meantime, Desi's crazy tendencies were in full force. In almost every conversation she would somehow try to turn it... We were talking about how awful some bosses can be and Desi tried to jump in and talk about how God put them in a place of authority to try to build their self-esteem. If they are mean or have problems- they must have self esteem issues. She's also always trying to insist that people have fear problems.... Basically she projects her core issues onto everyone else.

Bekah got out her guitar to play a couple worship songs. The boys loved it and danced in crazy circles and asked for more music. It was lovely, however after five or six songs, we had all kind of moved on to our own conversations. Desi sat down next to Bekah and kept asking her to play one after another until Dana told Bekah to put it away. For the rest of the day Desi would exclaim over how proud she is of Bekah and how blessed God is by her music. She said it at least 20 or 30 times. She sounded like a broken record or like Nilly Manilly ( or whoever they are- " Girl you know it's- Girl you know it's- Girl you know it's...)

Then Desi moved on to her hugging phase. She likes to hug everyone... a lot. However, yesterday Kevin seemed to be her main target. She was constantly trying to corner him to hug him and when she wasn't hugging him she was touching him. She would stroke his leg, or try to hold his hand, or rub his arm... Kevin was quite uncomfortable and was especially disturbed because in the past, Desi has claimed that she is especially sinful in having impure/sexual thoughts about almost every man that she meets. So to Kevin, every touch or hug seems very questionable in nature.

I actually had a good time yesterday... It just seems like there is always something with my family. If it's not a fight with Tonya then it's Desi claiming that we all have self- esteem problems as she is inappropriately touching my husband. What a day....

A sampling of Kevin's name picks...

Alexandra.... so he can call her Alex or Ally
Jessica
Erin
Lindsey
Samantha...call her Sammy
Kari....It's the name of one of his best friend's ex girlfriend- so it's out.
Kara
Rory... not as a nn- just Rory
Kayleigh... until I pointed out that it would rhyme with Dailey
Briana.... when I was preggers with Matty he hated this name

We just really don't have the same taste at all....

I like names like-

Daphne
Shea
Fiona
Keena ( still questionable whether I really like it or hormonally like it)
Wren...Kevin says this is the worst name he has ever heard in his life
Phoebe
Chloe

Our poor little girl will never end up with a name!!!!

Baby Naming Blues

Naming our little girl is going to be close to impossible... Kevin and I can't seem to agree on almost anything. On my part maybe it's hormonal but names that I liked when I was pregnant with Matty are suddenly repulsive to me and Kevin always has some off the wall reason to not like the names that I find even mildly acceptable.

I'm the first to admit that I'm kind of a name snob. There are dozens of names that practically make me gag.... and I dislike ninety percent of the girls names out there. Although I also admit to going through hormonal surges of loving names that the next week I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Example 1- I thought Margaret nn Maisy was darling for like three weeks, suddenly I can only picture Margaret as a middle aged woman and not a sweet little baby. Example 2- Suddenly I think the name Layla is lovely and coincidentally Kevin and I both love the song Layla by Eric Clapton... However in the back of my mind I know that Layla is really more of a stripper name than a real name. Not to mention the sexual connotations our little girl will battle- "Is Layla going to Lay ya????"

Anyways, this entire past week I have been practically in love with one particular name and I've actually loved this name since I was nine and reading Louisa May Alcott's Eight Cousins. I've pitched it to Kevin and had basically decided that this was the name I wanted for our little girl and that I was going to just start referring to the baby by this name every time that Kevin was around and make it incredibly clear that I was not going to negotiate.

I can tell Kevin is not crazy about it.... (mainly because he outright said- "I don't like it.") and I've decided I can't try to strong arm him in the baby naming process...I wouldn't feel right about trying to bully him into a name that I want, so in return for him keeping my name in the top three hospital choices I'll be willing to at least entertain his name suggestions.

As a sidenote.... Part of the reason I think I love this name so much is because I know that people are going to hate it. Is that so totally awful? Kevin's entire family is going to whisper behind my back and call eachother and say how awful our baby's name is... My mom will be ok with it once she understands where I originally got the name from. The Chicca's might cringe....I think that knowing everyone is going to react negatively is what is makes Kevin hesitate... But somehow all of that makes me just kind of secretly happy and gleeful... I must be a little evil... ( insert evil laugh here)

My sonogram is today!!!!!!

I'm going in for my sonogram today!!!!! I need to drop Matty off at my Mom's in twenty minutes.... I'm so excited!!!!! I have my fingers crossed that we'll be able to clearly see everything to determine the sex. No half way guessing for me!

I'm really strongly thinking it's another boy. Tony is thinking it's a boy too. Kevin has a strong inkling it's a girl..... So we'll see!!!!!

I had been really contemplating not finding out the sex of the baby so we could be surprised but Kevin wouldn't even entertain the idea. He really wants to know and there is no way I'll let the Dr. tell him and not me! Now that the day is actually here, I can't wait to know!

I better get going.... my bladder is going to burst already and this baby seems to think it's funny to use my bladder as a trampoline which just makes it so much worse....

The weird pregnancy sicko's.....

For some reason, as I get more pregnant I seem to attract a lot of weirdos. Now I've tried to give them all the benefit of the doubt... maybe they are just trying to be extra kind because they are aware of the fact that I'm pregnant. However in reality there is a flashing red light that goes off in my mind that tells me their attention is not quite all that innocent.

Instance #1- The guy at my local Starbucks started asking me lots of questions about the pregnancy and the baby. He started giving Matty free vanilla milk every time we went in. (Which is almost every day!) Kevin got kind of creeped out that some guy was always giving Matty free milk but I just kind of breezed over it thinking that the guy was just trying to be nice. However, it didn't take him long to transition from free milk to trying to fondle my stomach.... I use the word fondle because there really is not other word for it. There was no innocent little pat-pat...It was a full on feeling up my stomach. It was truly creepy... Needless to say I switched Starbucks.

Instance #2- (Not nearly as creepy as #1) At the dollar store in Fort Jones, the cashier actually asked me if I was pregnant and then began commenting on how fabulous I looked. He commented on my hair, my eyes, my necklace, my belly, how my nose was cute etc, etc. He was still pretty innocent but it was disturbing that his first attraction seemed to be to the fact that I was pregnant.

Instance #3- I had dropped Kevin off at work in the morning and I had thought it would be nice to drop by the bakery to grab a donut for Matty because he had been such a good sport about waking up early. I'm still in my jammy pants and a sweatshirt, no make-up, my hair is a rat's nest, etc. I pull up in front of the local bakery and there is this guy standing there. He sees me and his entire face lights up. He stands there, obviously waiting for me to get out of the car. I start thinking that maybe he's a neighbor that I just don't recognize or something. He approaches me as I get out of the car. He says hello, asks about Matty, asks how my pregnancy is going. He proceeds to tell me that he likes me, thinks that we should date and that really he's interested in long-term/ marriage possibilities and considering the fact that I have kids he thinks I would be delighted by his long-term relationship goals for us. At this point I'm thinking he's crazy... all I say is- " Sorry, I'm already married... in fact it's now been four years and we're very happy together. So thank you, but no thank you." Then I breezed by him into the donut store and by the time I came out he was gone.

Technically the third guy was just crazy and wasn't necessarily attracted to my pregnancy. However, my main point is that people either see me as much more approachable when I'm pregnant... or they are weird pregnancy sickos. ( My bet is on them being weird pregnancy sickos!!!)There is something about me being pregnant that brings out all the weirdos!!!

It's just goodbye for now....

The past couple of weeks have been pretty rough... It was heartbreaking to see Grandpa be so feeble and in pain. My heart literally ached for him. I had always adored him and admired him for his strength and moral character. His strength of character never waned through it all... I was really so proud of him.

I already miss him. I get teary when I think about his half smiles and the twinkle in his eye... the sincerity in his voice whenever he told me he loved me... the way he could spontaneously reach over and take my hand and the world seemed magically brighter.

Nonetheless, I can't help but feel happy for him. He's beyond pain and is celebrating in heaven. It's hard to grieve when I feel like I should be rejoicing for him instead. I feel so honored to have had him in my life for 24 years. I'm so blessed to have had as much time as I did. Lots of people never know their Grandparents. Matty and Baby bug #2 will never know or remember their Grandpa's. Kevin never knew his Grandfathers. I am blessed beyond words.

Sometimes I swear I hear my heart singing to me in the quite moments of the day... "It's not goodbye forever, it's goodbye for now. This is not the end- it's just the beginning!!!!"

An old fogey by the ripe age of 24....

Yesterday was my birthday and I had been a little worried that I would feel funky about it. Every once in awhile I get this feeling that I am just too old before my time. I think back and wonder why I was always in such a hurry to grow up. Then a birthday actually comes and reminds me yet once again that those days of youth are steadily slipping away.

When I contemplate my littlest cousin graduating highschool and think about where I was when I was eighteen I can't help but get a little nostalgic. At eighteen I had already been in college classes for two years.... I had already been in love with Kevin for a year and we had already made our minds up that we would get married as soon as I was a little closer to being finished with school and Kevin was more established. I had Matty a week before I turned 22 and now I'll be a mother of 2 at the ripe age of 24!!!! Life is just such a whirlwind!!!

Even though I sometimes feel like I'm an old fogey with all of my carefree days far behind me I know that if I could go back in time, I would make all of the same decisions all over again. I don't regret a single decision that has led me to this point in my life. I am more in love with Kevin than ever before... I feel so blessed to have Matty and the new baby on the way.

Thankfully, yesterday was a good day. It was the type of day where you sit back and are reminded of all the reasons why you love your life. By the end of the day you have no other choice than to thank God and feel content.

Matty's 2nd birthday!!!!!

My little Matty is 2 years old today!!! Time just flies by so quickly. I can't stand that he is getting so big so quickly. I know Kevin thinks that I am being extra sappy and sentimental... especially considering the fact we're going to have a new baby soon for me to fuss over. But I can't help but feel sad that he's growing up so quickly. He'll always be my baby.... my little guy Matty. It doesn't matter if I have ten more children.... he'll always have that very special place in my heart that claims him as mine.

12 wks Preggers Already!!!!!

I am officially 12 wks pregnant!!!! I had my first Doctor's appointment and everything is going great!!!! I heard our baby's little heartbeat and saw him on the sonogram. We obviously don't actually know if it is a boy or a girl yet but I can't seem to help but refer to the baby as a he. Kevin keeps teasing me that it must be a boy if I inexplicably always call the baby by he or him.

It was just so amazing to see our baby so little and perfectly formed. I can see his arms and his little legs all squiched up... I can see his little feet. If I look really carefully I can see where his eyes are and his little bitty mouth. It's amazing. It's things like this that really glorify the awesomeness of God. Nothing is as beautiful and miraculous as a baby growing in it's mother's womb.

Seeing my baby for the first time was just yet one more affirmation of God's grace and wisdom. There is already a plan laid in place for my newest little one.... I can't help but wonder what he'll be like. Will he be stubborn? Will he love to giggle and be silly? Will he be ticklish under his knees like Matty? This little baby has already brought so much joy to my heart.... and he's not even born yet!

As of tomorrow, it will have been a full year since my Dad died. In fact last year he had died on a Saturday and so for some reason it really feels like this anniversary should be today not tomorrow.....Maybe that is why I couldn't sleep last night....Anyways- What I'm really getting at is that it is a year later and I am just as certain of God's divine plan now as I was then. It doesn't mean that I don't feel sad or think about my Dad. I probably always will, but at the same time I feel peace within myself because I understand the whole picture. The grace and mercy of the Lord is astounding.

New Baby on the Way!!!!

I am so thrilled about all of the new little happenings in my life. Last week I found out that I was seven weeks pregnant and I feel like I'm floating.... kind of an icky throwing up sort of floating but floating nonetheless.

I am really excited about the new baby. I think I'm even more excited about this one than with Matty. I was excited when I was pregnant with Matty but I also had a lot of anxiety too. When Matty was born we had to change our entire lifestyle. Now we are totally baby friendly and I have no hesitation about welcoming our new little one.

My Mom was totally thrilled with the news and I can just tell that this is going to be great.

We're in just such a good spot right now. We're finally wrapping up all the paperwork and stuff from Grandma and Dad's deaths. The semester is at a close for me. Kevin has a great new job that practically guarantees that we'll be set within the next few years. We're going to start looking into buying a house. Things are just good. :)

Matty's Haircut....

I have taken Matty in to get his hair cut three times in the past three days. He immiediately begins to start throwing himself around as soon as we sit in the chair. The lady ended up taking a couple of monstrous chunks out of his hair in the back and managed to a disastrous crooked line in the front. We then left because Matty was obviously not behaving but we preceeded to go back and try again the two following days with no better luck.

Finally, last night I couldn't bear to let him walk around with such hideous hair so I locked us in the bathroom and cut it myself. I was terrified that it would be awful but it actually turned out ok!! I am shocked. It's not perfect but it's a whole lot better than a bunch of awful gouges all over the place!!!!!

The happiest girl in the world!!!

I am so excited!!!!! Kevin got the job!!!! This changes our entire lives! He is going to be a project manager for Scott Electric Co. in San Francisco. He will be working 40 hours a week instead of 60. He will get all weekends and holidays off. He used to work 50 percent of all holidays. He was always on call during all the major holidays. No more of any of that!!!!

I am so excited!!! This changes our entire lives! We aren't going to have to move away from the Bay Area! We're going to be able to stay here.... close to my mom and near the beach. I am just beside myself. God answers me every time I pray. I've been praying about Kevin's whole job situation since Matty was born and God has answered me. I am so thankful. I must be the happiest girl in the world!!!!!

Keeping My Fingers Crossed.....

Kevin has the most amazing potential job opportunity ever! One of his best friends works as a project manager on the Bay Bridge. Apparently they are looking for someone and Rick has suggested Kevin. Kevin will probably be going in for a job interview sometime this week. I have a really good feeling about this! Kevin would be working a maximum of forty hours a week!!!! He has currently been working twelve hour days every day.... It's been averaging out to around sixty hours a week. He's just so exhausted all the time. I'd really love to be with him more. This new job would definately mean a paycut for at least the first year but the overall positive benefits far outweigh the negatives. My fingers are crossed so hard they are almost glued together! I've been praying that Kevin wouldn't have to kill himself working so hard all the time and I'm really hoping that this is God's answer to my prayers!!!!!!!

Car Drama!!!

Things have been just pure craziness!!! I've been up to my neck in school work. I've barely had time for anything besides writing papers and reading. Kevin has been such a hero! It's soo amazing. He has kept the night shift, ( Even though he hates it!) just so that he can watch Matty for me while I'm in school. He's been fantastic.

Matty has just blown into the terrible two's and has suddenly become very opinionated about EVERYTHING! He doesn't want that shirt or that cup or those shoes....There are some days when I want to just tear out my hair in frusteration. For the most part though, he is still his sweet little self.... just with a bit more "grrrrr".

My car broke down yesterday and that was a major ARGH!! sort of moment. It broke down on Highway 1 on my way to class. Thankfully Matty wasn't with me. I ended up leaving my car and walking home.... and it was not an easy walk. It was pretty much all up hill and I kept getting random pieces of glass gouging at my feet through my flip flops. Nonetheless I'm still feeling positive....Although I'm not sure why.... We're not going to be able to fix the car. The transmission blew and the transmission place said it will take at least 3000 to fix it. Kevin and I had already discussed the maximum amount of money that we can really afford to spend on fixing it and it definately wasn't 3000.

The one silver lining is that Kevin did buy a car a couple weeks ago so we're not suddenly carless.... the problem is that it's a stick and I can't drive a stick! So this weekend I'm going to try to dedicate myself to learning how to drive a stick..... Hopefully I'll catch on pretty fast- otherwise I'm pretty screwed. I need to be back in classes by Tuesday, so I have a very limited amount of driving practice time. AHHHH!!! I'm crossing my fingers and praying really loudly!

Alas for my naive driver routine!

I was pulled over by a police officer today.... I had one of those- " Oh Crap!" sort of moments. I really hadn't been paying very close attention. I was totally off in la la land.

I guess I just kind of rolled through a stop sign... I wasn't even really conscious of it but when he told me that was why he pulled me over I figured it was probably the wisest thing to trust his judgment on it... ;)

So I mustered together as much sweetness and naive innocence possible.... It worked. Just like it has always worked... I was let off with a warning to be more careful and I gratefully thanked the officer. As I was driving home I was suddenly struck with the realization that my years of pulling off the young clueless girl act is numbered.

I managed to finagle it this time with Matty in tow, but what about when I have two or three kids ???? Police Officers are not going to be as inclined towards leniency when I'm a thirty year old lady with three kids in tow!! It was a very sobering thought that thorougly destroyed every bit of smugness I had been enjoying.... Alas!!!!! Yet another reminder that I'm getting older and time is quickly slipping away...