Nothing else I can do...

Desi's been ill again for the past couple weeks and it seems like it's lasting longer than normal. We're on at least our third week and that seems unusual to me.

Honestly, I have so many confusing and conflicting emotions about her... especially when she's sick. Part of me truly hates to be around her because she's really such a pain in the butt. I'm just so tired of her being sick all the time.

She's shown up at my house twice now- completely uninvited and unannounced. The other day I came out of the bathroom and she was sitting on my couch playing with Elijah and Matty. Although I have made it known to her that I don't like her just coming by I can't just tell her to leave. I feel sorry for her.

Kevin doesn't seem to understand why I can't just be harsh and cut her out of our lives but I'm sure that if it was his sister or brother he wouldn't be able to see it as so black and white. I remember her for who she used to be. She used to have friends and be funny. I remember her working on her hair for hours. She would dress so carefully and even wore make-up. She was fun and always up for an adventure. We used to boogie board together and take trips to Santa Cruz. She loved to drive her own car and be independent. We would toilet paper houses with her driving the get away car. People loved her sweet nature.... she was a normal person who was so completely relatable and fun, but her sickness has stripped all of that away.

Despite her illness, she still is sweet. That's what makes it so difficult for me. If she was mean or a raging biotch it would be easy to turn my back on her. But honestly, she still has such a kind loving heart that I can't bear to hurt her. Everyone rebuffs her. She's lost all the friends she's once had. People don't see the same kind hearted girl anymore- they can't seem to look past the shell that her sickness has created. All she has anymore is family. She'll never have a normal life.... she'll never have normal friends. She married an idiot and will never have a fully functioning marital relationship. She's lost both of her kids and can't work. She has been robbed of everything that makes life full and worth living.

I can't turn her away with the knowledge that everyone else has scorned her too. It hurts my heart to hear that she isn't welcomed places because of her erratic behavior or tendency to hug too much. Logically, I understand that she can't continue to violate people's personal space or dance throughout a church potluck but inside my heart aches for her because it's just one more instance of her being rejected.

I'm so frustrated because she shouldn't be my responsibility.... she shouldn't be my Mom's responsibility either. I have a life. I have kids to take care of, friends to see, a husband to attend to- I have a million things that take up each day and I feel resentful that I end up working her into my schedule "just to be nice". At the same time- if I can't be empathetic and have compassion for her, who will?

A long time ago, I learned that in order to get through the pitfalls and tragedies of life you need to laugh.... and that's what I've done. I've joked and laughed my way through all of this for the past thirteen years. I'm getting tired of laughing... sometimes I'm just too sad and burdened to feel like laughing. But in all honesty -there's nothing else I can do.